My “What If’s”

{ September 28, 2009 @ 2:30 am } · { Lovin' You...... }
{ } · { Comments (4) }

I’ve been playing the “what if” game a lot lately. Dangerous game. It all started with a friend saying “What if he’s the one?!?” LOL

I find it odd that we gamble with life and with our feelings. Like the above question. Can’t we say that about ALL of our potential suitors? I (jokingly) said the same thing to my sister about some boy that likes her.

Yeah, I picked a pretty archaic word, suitors. I’ve been thinking about the “dating issue” lately, which is what got me mixed up in all the what if’s. One of my best friends got married this year and I thought, “What if I had married Eric?” My friend gave EHarmony a try over the summer and I thought “What if I met someone on EHarmony?” Another friend found an AMAZING boyfriend and I thought “What if I had an amazing boyfriend? Would I screw it up?”

I have no intentions of getting to answer to my “what if?” about Eric or trying to find a man on eHarmony (no offense to anyone, it’s just not my style). The last question…I think I’m ready to deal with it.

I actually had a conversation with a friend via text and that lead me to think about What if’s as well. The word curiosity came up in the conversation and I wasn’t sure if I should be flattered or insulted. You’re curious about being involved with my body, but not my mind? hmmm… My thought was, “What if that happens and then we can’t be friends anymore?” Let me remind all of you…curiosity (obviously in the same category as What If?) is dangerous. It can cause you to do things that you can’t take back later and it can take your mind to places you may not want it to go. Trouble…that’s all I’m gonna say about that. My mind definitely went there. LOL

It’s been a long time coming, but I’m ready to have a boyfriend again. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had a lot of fun over the last 18 months…probably too much. ;) I’ve had the chance to get some stuff out of my system, as well as learn A LOT about who I really am. That is a never ending battle, but I’m honestly ready to test the waters again. While my last relationship was a huge mess, I also learned so much. Am I crazy for wanting to try it again? Probably.

I don’t want to get married, but I’m really discovering what I have to offer and I want to share it with someone else. Being single is fun. A LOT of fun. haha But the more time that passes, I realize that I’m losing all of my friends to their relationships. They have KIDS (I don’t want any of those though) and husbands and wives and serious boyfriends/girlfriends. My Single Girl Pool is getting pretty damn empty.

Here’s the reality of what I’m saying. Boyfriend = having the courtesy to let them know what I’m up to. Am I ready to do that again? Boyfriend = trusting someone else. Am I ready to do THAT again? Boyfriend = letting go of my single girl swag. haha. Can I handle that? Am I WILLING? Maybe…for the right person.

That leads me to actually giving someone a chance. Today, I told my sister that she should give this guy a chance. I’ll be the first to admit that he’s said some stupid stuff to her. Nothing BAD…just weird and I’m sure he says it because he’s not sure what else to say. Nerves? Probably. Can I take my own advice though? That’s a tough question, because as soon as a guy says something to me ALL my walls go up. I guarantee there have been a few that I was interested in and I was quick to blow off their advances. It’s a defense mechanism. I minimize what they’re saying to me to avoid what’s REALLY going on. Shortly after the conversation I want to slap myself. I can’t take back what I’ve said though. I am the QUEEN of blowing guys off, that’s for sure.

I’m still trying to work this out in my head. I’m ready to move forward and move beyond the flings I’ve been having. I just need to find a way to stop myself from sabotaging all of my possibilities.

Suggestions?

Just When I Thought…

{ September 23, 2009 @ 12:00 pm } · { Personal, body image, friends, work }
{ } · { Leave a Comment }

…things couldn’t get worse…they ALMOST did.

I had a terrible weekend, but I also had an epiphany (I love how that rhymes with my name :) ) This is the definition I’m referring to, for those of you that don’t know exactly what it means:

Epiphany:

a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.

I’m not trying to insult your intelligence. I know for a fact that some people would have to look that word up, even though it seems like nothing to some of us. ;)

Anyway, after Friday night’s incident, I realized that everything that has happened to me has happened for a reason. I always sort of knew that, but I realized that no matter how much RIGHT I try to do, people are still going to do me wrong. Instead of worrying about them, I need to worry about me. I have spent so much of my life worrying about everyone else and I’ve said this a million times. Honestly, I just realized that being “nice” to my “friends” has gotten me no place. I’m always a step behind and I realized that it’s because I’m letting everyone else step on me to get to where they are!

The whole mess with “what’s her face” is what it took for me to realize this. Like my dad says, some people are only meant to be in your life for a season and she was around for a very SHORT season. That girl was placed in my life to make me realize that I don’t have to put up with that shit anymore. She was never my FRIEND and she’s not anyone’s friend which is why she doesn’t have any REAL ones. I’m thankful for being given the opportunity to be in Vegas and I will continue to be thankful for her “hospitality” but I don’t need hand outs bad enough to let A treat me like crap. I am going to pray for her because her low self esteem is the reason she treats people like that. I wish nothing bad upon her. I just hope that she realizes that she’s beautiful (on the outside, at the very least) and has a lot to offer if she does it the right way. Nobody owes you ANYTHING, so stop thinking that they do. That’s not going to make you any REAL friends and it’s not going to get you anywhere either.

ANYWAY…The new week brings a job offer. I’m really excited about this one for some reason. As frustrating as it was…I actually had a lot of fun selling phones in the mall last year. Most of that had to do with my co-workers (mostly Preston because he’s fun and hilarious), but every day was a battle. I was doing the same thing over and over, but it was never exactly the same. New phones come out, new people come in, I get to have crazy people yell at me….and I got to talk to hot guys. LOL I’m not completely dense though. I know that there will be days that I HATE it, but that’s life. I just think that this will lead to some other opportunities. Plus, the money is good and that’s what I need right now. It’s WAY better than what I was making in the mall. :)

My birthday is coming up….just a reminder. I found FABULOUS shoes today and they are CHEAP. Not SUPER cheap, but affordable. I think I might get them tomorrow…even though I probably shouldn’t right now. BUT after the year I’ve had, I just want my birthday to be fun and I want to FEEL great. I’m turning 26….crazy.

The funny thing about getting older – I have become so much more comfortable with my body and just ME in general. I don’t really obsess over stuff like I used to. Don’t get it twisted though, I love clothes and shoes. I just don’t freak out over my body anymore like some girls. I love my skin even if I do hate my stomach sometimes (like this week…stupid Aunt Flo is on her way…I’m sure). LOL It’s such a relief. I remember seeing Delilah freak out over her body and talk about diets. I’m sure I annoyed her, but I was just like, “Yeah right…no diets for me.” I love food entirely too much to be on a diet. It’s those stupid fashion magazines! I KNOW IT! That’s why I don’t read them anymore. I’m not going to let the fashion world or society tell me how MY body should look.

Well…I completely lost my train of though for this entry. I’m chatting with Jessica and we’re talking about the someone. LOL I’m sure I’ll give you all details on that LATER.

Almost There.

{ September 18, 2009 @ 12:59 pm } · { General Information, family, friends }
{ } · { Comments (1) }

More setbacks, but I’m back to blogging…hmmm…

Some of you may be wondering what happened in Vegas and why I’m back in NC. I’m trying to figure it out too. I don’t know. All I know is that everything happens for a reason. I loved it in Vegas, but I guess that’s not where God wants me to be right now. I have no hard feelings towards anyone. I guess I just chose to trust the wrong people and I don’t think that’s a bad thing on my part. Hopefully I’ll know better next time.

On the up side, I have been able to start reconnecting with my family and some old friends. While I was happy in Vegas, I didn’t feel SAFE. Now, I feel safe and I feel like I can be myself and start growing again. I have learned sooooooo much in the last few years, especially in 2009. Whether I like it or not I’ve had to grow up even more than I ever have. I thought things were hard before….geez. LOL

Speaking of old friends…

Do you ever notice that there are people that pop in and out of your life? Or maybe they never really left, you just took a break. I have a few in particular that have a tendency to do that. It’s probably my fault that they “go away” because I am quick to write people off. It’s a flaw for me. I just have a really low tolerance for “friends” that do stuff that is less than friend like. I really try to give 200% for the people that I truly care about. When I don’t get that much in return I walk away.

This came to my attention a few days ago when an old friend said, “We always pick up where we left off.” True. I guess that’s a sign that I never should have stopped talking to them in the first place. Honestly, I have some serious trust issues. I know that. You guys know that. Sometimes it’s easier to run and hide, especially when something or someone seems too good to be true. Kind of like the Vegas situation. I took a leap and ended up getting burned. I lost a friend in that situation and it makes me really sad to know that we won’t ever be able to repair what we had. She refuses to apologize for ANYTHING because she has too much pride (her words, not mine) and I won’t look back because I don’t want to get my feelings hurt again. We’re both stubborn.

As for the other old friends…I’m working on that. I’m trying to mend some things and trying to work on myself at the same time. I just hope those people are willing to work on it with me. :) I just wonder what purpose some of these people are supposed to serve in my life. I mean, some are friends, but we’re not close friends…so I wonder what their “job” is. I also wonder what my “job” is in their universe. Hmmm….

Anyway…

I’m working and bringing in a little bit of cash. I also have some great prospects (jobs). Hopefully they will work out. In the meantime, my parents has let me stay with them and I’m grateful for that. No point in struggling if you don’t have to, right?

My 26th birthday is coming up! I’m nervous and excited. I can’t believe I’m heading for 30!!! AWWW!!! Plans so far:

1. A facial in Cary with my stepmother on my actual birthday (October 7 for those that don’t already know). I’m sure Shamara will want to go too…but she has school. If you guys want to join us, let me know. I’m sure we will have lunch up there too.

2. Dinner with family and friends in Raleigh on October 10. I’m thinking Carrabba’s. Maybe Bahama Breeze. Need to find out if they have a Maggiano’s up there though. Actually, I wanted to go to Charlotte, but I figured Raleigh would make it easier for my family to attend. Of course my Charlotte friends are always welcome to come up here. We have room at the house for a few people to crash.

3. Drinks and hopefully some dancing. I need to figure out what the night life if like in Raleigh. Anybody know? Nothing too fancy, but I don’t want to end up in any places where we will get shot. LOL

That’s about it for now. Nothing amazing, but I know I’ll have a good time.

As for the birthday outfit…I saw this awesome little black dress and I have some shoes I want to wear…if I don’t find better ones. haha 4 inch heels anyone? And yes! I expect you to wear something half way decent if you’re coming with me. :) Of course, if we’re going out afterward, I will be wearing jeans and flats because I plan to have plenty of drinks! You know me. Hopefully my tolerance isn’t lowered from my LACK of drinking in the last month. We’ll see.

Well, that’s about it for now. I’m going to stop writing now. If you read this far, I appreciate you. LOL

Things You Should Know About Me

{ August 23, 2009 @ 6:32 pm } · { religion }
{ } · { Leave a Comment }

My thoughts on religion.

agnostic one who believes the existence of God cannot be proved or disproved
atheist one who assumes there are no gods or divinities but will accept the possibility should extraordinary evidence occur

Examples
An agnostic may participate in organized religion… just in case.

Some Marxists were atheists who believed that organized religion encouraged oppressed peoples to endure their hard lives in order to be rewarded after death in heaven.

Who would have thought that I’d agree with a Marxists Atheist. LOL Yes…I don’t consider myself an Atheist, but I do think that religion exists to keep people in line. I also think it exists so that people can have something to live by. We don’t want to walk around with no idea why we’re here! It’s confusing. I think everything happens for a reason and I believe in God. AND I believe in the “Butterfly Effect” and/or Chaos Theory (they are not exactly the same). I don’t take it all LITERALLY though.

“It has been said something as small as the flutter of a butterfly’s wing can ultimately cause a typhoon halfway around the world.”

We use religion to explain what we can’t explain already. That’s like “back in the day” when people would get sick and it would be blamed on the anger of the “GODS” or because someone did something bad. Now we call it cancer/flu/tuberculosis/or whatever.

I can understand that though. When I lost my job and had to move back to Texas, I was like “God…why is this happening to me?” Two days later I found out my grandma had cancer. She died 5 months later. Now I’m in Las Vegas starting over with a job in a career field I had always wanted to be in.

I believe, I just don’t believe EVERYTHING people try to tell me about religion. I don’t believe everything they tell me I should believe. Would you believe me if I said, “If you don’t finish that hot dog right now, God is going to strike you down”? Probably not. Now if it said something similar in the Bible, you might believe it. BUT WHY?

Like this “conversation” I had on Facebook today:

My Cousin: In the kitchen doin a lil sumthing. Were having pork chops smoothered in onions and gravy,rice and stewed cabbage and of course sum corn bread…. Jus talkin bout it is makin me hungry…. (LOL)

Me: Hello! You need to make me a plate!

My Cousin: I got u! When r u coming to visit?

Me: LOL Probably not until next summer. But you can make pork chops smothered in onions and gravy year round. I could make them too, but my current financial situation prohibits anything besides ramen noodles, rice, and sandwiches. haha I will live vicariously through your posts until further notice.

My Cousin: Ur crazy girl….know ur always welcome to come

Troll: leviticus 11:7-8, isaiah 66:15-17

Me: LOL You are trying to say that we’re gonna go to hell for eating pork?

Troll: No sis if you dont stop eating pork yes this is the penalty judgement from GOD so I am just trying to warn you. So now that you know are you going to stop eating pork crab lobster shrimp etc all the abominations of the lord

Me: LOL I hope you realize that it’s not always your place to push your religious beliefs on others. Actually, it’s kind of rude. What if my religion requires me to eat pork? Don’t answer that. I’m a classy girl and I’m not going to start anything. I just don’t think it’s fair for you to throw that in there like that. You do you and we’ll do us. Whether or not I participate in any “abomination of the lord” is not really your concern. (Sorry Cuzo. I couldn’t just let that slide. Maybe I’m not as classy as I’d like to be. :/ I’m leaving now. lol)

Yeah…I probably should have kept that last one to myself, WHATEVER! I didn’t appreciate him jumping into our conversation about DINNER with his bible verses. I hate when people do that!

That’s what I’m getting at though. He believes in that and it’s FINE, but I obviously don’t! My cousin obviously doesn’t either. Or she just chooses to ignore it and eat her smothered pork chops anyway. Either way…it was uncalled for. Nobody asked for his religious input. I don’t jump in his conversations and say “Well, I’m Buddhist and I believe….zyx!”

I don’t think you should pick and chose what you wanna believe. I mean, I don’t believe a HUGE part of the bible. I believe in God. I don’t really believe any of that other stuff.

Haha. Sorry. That guy kind of set me off and I can’t even remember what else I was going to say. But if you didn’t know…now you now.

Don’t Lie

{ August 22, 2009 @ 4:30 pm } · { Uncategorized }
{ } · { Comments (1) }

One of the first things I said to Eric when we started dating was..”Don’t lie to me. It will piss me off and hurt me more than if you just told the truth in the first place. Don’t cheat. Just dump me.”

He spent our entire relationship LYING to me AND he cheated. How can I say something like that upfront and then he did it for FOUR YEARS? I don’t understand that.

There is nothing I hate more than a LIAR. Seriously.

I honestly think there’s a difference between a “white lie” and just lying to save your ass. I’ve told a few white lies in my time. I mean, it’s sort of hypocritical. But me lying to a customer at my job and saying, “Oh yeah that salad is GREAT!” even though I HATE it, isn’t the same as me lying to someone I’m in a relationship with.

I’m angry right now. I think it’s because I wanted to believe all of it….and something told me not to. I went along anyway. GUESS WHAT! My gut instinct was right.

I don’t think everyone deserves a second chance. I don’t. Some people deserve a second chance, but not ALL of them do. How do we determine who those people are? Did Eric deserve a second chance? NO! He got one though and it was a WASTE.

LOL Before I go on. Let me just say that this is not about Eric. He is my example for everything, but this isn’t about him at all. I’m mad at an entirely different person.

That being said, I’ve learned a lot in the last 8 years. I’ve learned that the people that I let close to me are going to hurt me. I’ve learned that while I am a relationship type of girl…most guys aren’t ready for the type of relationship I want to have. I want honesty. I want dedication. I want someone to be real with me. Don’t bullshit me and blow my head up. That isn’t going to help anything. The people I respect the most are the ones that have the balls to say, “Look. You need to chill out.” Like my brother. And my sisters will tell me that too.

So, this person I’m mad at was going to make their way out of my life WEEKS ago. I was ready to delete all the information and move on. But my sister said, “No. Calm down. You don’t even know what REALLY happened.” I listened to her. She’s optimistic about most things and not as JADED as I am. Sometimes, we have to remove ourselves from the situation and look at it from another perspective. I did that and according to the story of “the accused” I was wrong. I felt stupid and moved on from it.

NOW…there’s really no denying that “the accused” is actually “guilty”. I don’t have time to play games and I don’t have the patience. I think the ones that constantly have to remind you that they wouldn’t lie are the liars. Sometimes I think I have a stamp on my forehead that said, “If you lie…come talking to me. I LOVE IT!”

That’s hardly what I’m looking for.

I think what annoys me the most is that I really do try to look for the best in people. With all the flaws I see, I do realize that I have a a lot of my own. I can get passed the fact that I took the time to pursue “higher education” and you did not. I can get passed the fact that I make more money than you do. I can get passed the fact that you were married and have a kid. I took the time to look passed all that. Most young women like myself wouldn’t take the time to do that. They want all of it and I was really trying to “settle” for the the best parts. Or what I thought were the best parts. Turns out that was a load of crap.

I’m not a gold digger. It’s not fair to expect a guy to have more than what I have. And right now I don’t have anything of my own, so what do I look like expecting a guy to have more? It’s not fair and I’m not like that. I have a lot of friends that frowned upon “guilty’s” situation. Honestly, the whole thing is kind of messed up. I don’t need that kind of drama or baggage. Then…I have my own drama and baggage and that was never an issue for “guilty”.

I’m searching for words here and I can’t find them right now.

I can’t find them.

Well, what I will say is that now THE CIRCUS will be a girls only event. I’m looking forward to it. And with “guilty” out of the way I can get my head out of the clouds and focus on my situation ONLY. I don’t need to worry about someone that doesn’t care enough to tell me the damn truth. I’ve been saying that for years now. I just hope that it will become more apparent next time around. I don’t have the energy anymore. I don’t have the energy to stay so guarded, but I also don’t have the energy to deal with hurt feelings.

drained. tired. exhausted. I’m done.

How Convenient

{ August 9, 2009 @ 5:05 pm } · { Boys, Randomness, family, friends }
{ } · { Comments (1) }

So…good things only last so long for me and I guess I don’t get more than a few days to enjoy it. LOL

Last night…I sort of had an epiphany. “Let down your walls, get your feelings hurt.” Sometimes I let people get close to me and I don’t even realize it. I put my faith in people and…sometimes I need to listen to those around me because they might just be right even if they do sound bitter. I really don’t know what else to say about it. I’m annoyed, frustrated, and a little sad. It’s hard when you feel like you have to do EVERYTHING alone. Don’t get me wrong I have some great friends in my life. I just hate that some people aren’t willing to give as much as I am. I give 100% when I finally decide to give anything at all. My friends, boyfriends, family, people I’m dating…they all get 100% and sometimes more. With the exception of my brother and my true friends, nobody is ever willing to give me that much. It should be easy for me to just walk away if people aren’t giving as much as I am, but it’s not. Once I commit to something, I’m committed. I’m not just talking about romantic relationships either.

A friend said this to me today:

You’re an amazing, strong and intelligent woman. It’s hard to think that any guy would actually deserve you.

Is that a good or a bad thing? I only ask that about the last half. THIS IS A COMPLIMENT. I know that, ok? LOL BUT I was thinking about it. Isn’t it about time that I met someone that I deserve and that deserves me in return? There has to be someone that deserves all the positive things I have to offer and has the patience to deal with my flaws. When I care about someone I have patience for their flaws, because I definitely have some of my own. There are exceptions to my exceptions…but you know what I mean.

I’ll think about it some more and I’ll get back to you. What I do know is that I am no longer going to let myself fall for guys that portray that stupid masculine ideal. Most of them are ass holes. For sure.

Something else that occurred to me today:

Paranoia will destroy you.

Ain’t that the truth? lol I’m working on it though.

Then I found out that my dad’s brother was murdered last night. Yeah…I don’t even know what else to say about it. My other uncle just died in November. I’m not close with that side of my family, but I feel really awful for my dad. The only positive part about it is that they know who did it and have that person in custody.

Those are the bad things from this week. On a good note I worked 5 hours last night, had 6 tables total, and still made $70. Plus, I make minimum wage instead of $2.13 like they paid me in Texas. I think that’s pretty damn good. Tomorrow I go to the counseling center to get my background check and fingerprinting done. I should be able to start working in the next few weeks (I still have to get re-certified in CPR and get a TB test), so that’s pretty exciting.

Well, I am going back to working on getting TwitterBerry to work on my BlackBerry.

Good News!

{ August 6, 2009 @ 6:33 pm } · { Uncategorized }
{ } · { Comments (1) }

I said I would post something that isn’t so blah blah blah. I have arrived! :)

Well, this morning I woke up to an email on the blackberry from the woman that interviewed me on Tuesday for a position at the the counseling center. She offered me a job! I will be a Psychosocial Rehabilitation Specialist!
I will mostly work with children, but the center does work with some adults as well.

I know what you’re thinking…”You don’t even like kids, Tiffany!” You’re right. But I think there’s a difference between a child with RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) and a little brat with parents that don’t care to discipline them. Get it?

Besides that I’m blessed to have some amazing people in my life right now. They are supportive and giving. It’s really what I need and I’m happy that I removed myself from the situation I was in before. The last few years have been hard, but things are really starting to look up for a change. I’m excited for what might happen next.

I have THE CIRCUS to look forward to next month, so that’s cool. It will be fun to have some drinks with Jess, Lily, and Delilah before running off to see “The Legendary Ms. Britney Spears.” Too bad we have to do it in El Paso, but it will be AWESOME either way. Britney had better not disappoint us! That being said, here’s that video AGAIN! A remix of Break The Ice featuring clips that span her career SO FAR. Thanks again to Sean for showing us this. LOL I get chills every time!

Anyway, what else….Today is my last day of training at Carrabba’s and I have to leave for work in a few minutes. I met Flava Flav yesterday. He was pretty nice and was wearing a damn clock around his neck. But at least he stays true to his style. For real.

Uhm….that’s the bulk of it for now. I’d elaborate, but I have to RUN. :)

Oh and good job to Oprah for rejecting Chris Brown’s interview request. He’s a douchebag that needs serious therapy instead of trying to resuscitate his career via Oprah’s most female audience. I see right through that shit and I’m happy Ms. Winfrey did too.

K. Bye!

She Who Refused To Be Submissive

{ August 5, 2009 @ 3:46 am } · { CrAzY, Personal }
{ } · { Comments (2) }

I stole this title from Melissa Forman. She’s an artist and pretty damn good, if you care. Check out her website if you’re bored or if you like art. She was the featured artist on my IGoogle today. :)

Anyway…I needed to write something. I’m starting to get overwhelmed with this anxiety. My face is starting to look like it belongs to a 15 year old boy. I’m still not sleeping well. I’m cleaning bathrooms at midnight. Here comes the OCD again…I managed to talk myself down. I came to my blog instead of taking it out on Delilah’s guest bathroom.

This is all starting to freak me out a little. I still have that damn bipolar diagnosis in the back of my head. Am I still cycling? My biggest fear right now is that I am going to go back to that dark place I was in. It’s been a rough 7 months, but I’ve managed to keep my head above water MINUS the medication. Now I’m not sure if it’s because I have really had control or if it’s because the damn chemicals in my brain are going haywire again. :\ I’ve been pretty solid for about a year now. I’ve been medication free for about 6 1/2 months.

Of course, there’s always a chance that it has been triggered by the changes that have gone on in my life. Regardless of the fact that things are going pretty well, I still can’t get rid of this damn nagging in the back of my mind.

I’m crazy, I’m crazy, I’m crazy. I can’t handle it, I can’t handle it, I can’t handle it.

There have been times before that I have discussed my self awareness. I’m aware of when I’m losing control. I KNOW when I am doing something crazy. Sometimes I can stop myself. Sometimes it happens too fast for me to stop it. Honestly, I have conversations in my head. I fight with MYSELF. That sounds crazy, but it’s 75% true. As I stood in the bathroom tonight I was scrubbing. I was bothered by the fact that I don’t have a place for EVERYTHING. At the same time, I was saying “Stop it. Go sit down. You’re stressing. Delilah is going to think you’re crazy if you break out the bleach and scrub her bathroom to death. SIT DOWN. Find some other way to deal with this anxiety!”

Now, that I think about it….I haven’t been drinking much lately. Could that be the reason I didn’t have any “episodes” while I was in El Paso? The truth is that I was probably drunk 40% of the time I was there. I’ve been out seriously drinking twice in the last three weeks. That’s NOTHING for me. I sort of have cravings or urges to go out drinking. I like the the feeling of being uninhibited. Obviously, I do STUPID things when I’m like that. But it’s…nice to not worry, not THINK. This leads me back to the fact that I KNOW why I drink and participate in other extra curricular activities. I also know that alcoholism runs in my family. It is likely that I picked up the behavior that way and it could get worse. Scary, huh?

I guess what I’m getting at is that I feel like I’m losing control and I don’t want to be SUBMISSIVE to my mind…the unbalanced part of my mind. I’ve felt like that for MONTHS now, but being away from my family makes it even more REAL. There isn’t anybody I can talk to. Believe me. If I told you guys some of the stuff I think about…haha. I know I have friends and some of them are willing to listen. BUT…I’d rather avoid the awkward silences or the uncomfortable glances in the other direction. Everybody goes through things, but this is a little different. I’m not just having a hard time. I’m dealing with something that may NEVER go away. I could grow out of it, but I don’t know and most people don’t understand that. Just because YOU can get up and look on the bright side of EVERYTHING doesn’t mean that I can or that I “just don’t want to.” Things would be easier if I could, believe that. I’m just not wired that way. I really want to believe that stuff, but it’s not MY reality.

I believe in conditioning…but sometimes that isn’t the case.

ANYWAY, I feel a little better now. There are so many things bothering me. I won’t go into detail about them here (remember I mentioned audience sensitivity? LOL) and that SUUUUUCKS. But it’s the nature of my world. I take on all the pressure so that nobody else has to.

Hmmm….I needed to vent and I did. Now I don’t have the energy to write about all the GOOD things that are going on. There are good things I PROMISE! I’ll have to send myself a reminder on the blackberry to sit down and write something FABULOUS, so that you all know that my life isn’t all dark clouds. LOL I do this as therapy and sometimes I forget to write about the good things.

Frustrated

{ July 27, 2009 @ 2:50 am } · { Personal }
{ } · { Comments (1) }

I think that my life is fabulous right now despite the fact that I am without a job (until Wednesday…thank God) and basically homeless. That being said, there are still a few things that I let RUIN my days.

1. Stupid People
2. Stupid People
3. My tendency to be UBER sensitive when I have other things going on

Over the last few days I’ve had people say some things to me that were meant in jest and I get all hurt over it. STUPID. But it’s due to a lack of self esteem. I keep my mouth shut up about it because I KNOW why I’m reacting the way I am.

Whether you guys believe it or not I am surprisingly self aware. Just ask all those psychiatrist/psychologist that I went to. I would sit there and tell them about a certain situation…how I dealt with it….and how I should have dealt with it. Yes, I have unpaid doctor bills for something that I could have done myself. It’s a shame that you have to pay someone to listen to your problems just so that you can talk yourself through it.

I can be acting like a total psycho and it’s almost like I’m standing outside of my body WATCHING and shaking my head in shame. LOL I’m serious. It’s ridiculous, but sometimes I have no control over those reactions. After the fact I feel really weak and stupid. And people whisper about me behind my back. ;) I’m okay with that, because I am kinda crazy sometimes.

Lately, I’ve been doing okay. Since I’ve been in Vegas I don’t feel like I have to fake it to fit in like I did in El Paso. That relieves a lot of stress. Of course, there are other situations that I am dealing with that should not bother me at all but I let them. One of those I have decided (only moments ago, thanks to Jessica) to let go of all together. The others…well those will take time.

I really want to RANT right now, but I can’t because I will piss someone off or hurt someone’s feelings. Maybe I shouldn’t care, but I do.

Hmmm….so how do I go about this? I need to vent and there’s really no one that I can talk to about most of it. I blog for a reason, but I try to be sensitive to my audience. haha I need to get this off my chest so that I can function and so that I won’t blow up at the wrong moment (which I have a tendency to do).

For those of you that are close friends…please don’t take any of this the wrong way. I would LOVE to talk to you. I just get so consumed with my own bullshit…if I start talking I will forget when to stop and start listening. So, if I don’t talk to you about it, I won’t continue to bother you about it every five minutes. Do you get it? Hopefully you do. In the meantime, I have to figure something else out. I have a few things that are consuming me right now and I know that it will get out of control before I know it.

I’ll figure something out, but it can’t involved punching walls because I’m sure Delilah wouldn’t appreciate it. ;)

Movin’ On

{ July 24, 2009 @ 2:06 pm } · { General Information }
{ } · { Comments (1) }

And….I’m back. That’s right! I’m back to my blog. It’s been a minute, but I’ve had a lot going on lately.

For those of you that don’t already know, I have relocated to Las Vegas! I basically just decided about two weeks ago that I wanted to move and left 4 or 5 days later. Don’t be mad because I have a free spirit now and I’ve got it like that. ;) DON’T BE MAD AT ME because I chose to NOT have kids or get married. And don’t try to make me feel bad about it either. I’m a little tired of some of you acting like I’m WEIRD because I have chosen this lifestyle. I’m only 25, I have plenty of time for kids and a husband if I even decide that’s what I wanna do. Ok?

haha I just thought I’d put that out there.

I’ve been here a little over a week and a half and I found a job already. It’s not a GREAT job, but it’s better than nothing. I will be serving at Johnny Carrabba’s. LOL Better than Applebee’s, right? I’m hoping it will be. In the meantime, I will continue to look for a REAL job. I didn’t go to college to be broke my entire life.

Delilah is a fantastic friend! Just in case you didn’t already know. She’s letting me crash here for the time being and I’ve been having so much fun. I hope she is too. I try to stay out of her hair and be a good non-paying house guest. :)

Uhm…..what else? Oh there was a boy situation. There WAS, but I’m pretty sure I blew that out of the water. LOL You know how I am. I get scared, panic, and push, push, push. It’s ok though. The timing is bad. I try to be open to meeting people. I DO! It’s just too hard sometimes. I’m at a very selfish point in my life. I can be a good friend, but when you have so much drama and baggage that I can’t tell left from right…I tend to run in the other direction. I’ve been through so much the last few years. I really just want to feel “normal” and “good” and like I’m not in a crazy ass dream.

That being said, I can talk as much shit as I want, but I do like “boy.” On the other hand, I really just want to be able to have a good time, explore Vegas, learn about myself, and….well….just be me. How do you do that when someone you can’t see every day has their own shit to deal with? I’m all about listening, but it’s frustrating to have a friend dealing with stupid stuff that you can’t help with. And let’s be honest…I’m not trying to get my feelings hurt either.

You all know that I have issues I need to deal with. Still. I have actually JUST gotten to the point where I think I might ALMOST be ready to seriously date again. Maybe. It sounds crazy, but I have really come a long way. I’ve had a few flings over the last year and a half and none of them really meant anything to me. That puts me in a weird position now, because I think I might actually LIKE someone that isn’t Eric. Scary, huh? I might actually like someone that isn’t my lying, cheating ex-boyfriend.

On the other hand I still have feelings for Eric and I wonder if those will ever go away. It’s frustrating because I want to move on with my life sooooooo bad. How can I do that when I still haven’t let go of what happened? It’s been THREE YEARS!!!! Well, three years since we broke up the first time. In case you forgot that was the most DEVASTATING thing that has ever happen to me and I haven’t been the same since. :\ I can’t get over the paranoia I have. I can’t let go of the feelings that I’m being lied to or played. That is probably the part I hate the most. Every other guy isn’t him. I KNOW in the back of my mind that they won’t ALL treat me like that. So, after all this time, why haven’t I let it go? I don’t think I’ve even let it go a little bit.

I’m the girl that freaks out when you don’t return my phone calls. And I’m the one that deletes people’s phone numbers so that I won’t call them and act stupid and crazy. LOL I HAVE TO! If I don’t I risk alienating people. In the meantime, I sit and wait for you to call/text me. And believe me…I’m waiting and checking my phone ever 5 seconds.

It’s crazy, but I’m willing to admit it. I admit that I haven’t completely let go of the past. I’ve always had trust issues but I’ve never been this guarded. How in the hell am I supposed to move on and be happy, when I can’t even let people in to share it with me?

Honestly, I’m talking about EVERYONE, not just one person in particular. I refuse to let anyone hurt me again and that prevents me from partaking in what could be amazing friendships or relationships. Sad, but true.

After all of that I would like to add that I’ve happier than I’ve been in a LONG time. That could change at any given second, but I’ll take it for now. This is the third state I’ve lived in this year and I’m hoping I will be here for a while. You all be sure to come and visit me.

Oh and did I tell you guys that I got tickets to see Britney Spears? Delilah and I will be back in El Paso on September 18 or 19 (I forget which date). That should be tons of fun. We get to go with Lily and Jessica. :) I miss you Jess!!!!!!!!!

And….I think I’ll end this here. Hopefully, I’ll be back sooner than later. I have so many other things I want to fill you guys in on, but there isn’t time right now. :) Call me, text me, Facebook me, hit me up on BBM (if you have it). I’m always around. Plus, I’m probably WAITING for you to text me anyway. LOL

« Older entries