I’ve been watching LOTS of Sex and The City lately (I have all 6 seasons on DVD and no cable). Right now Miranda is in labor. Her water just broke all over Carrie’s ridiculously expensive shoes.
Anyway, Samanatha just caught Richard cheating on her. Blah!
Earlier in the episode she was totally freaking out on him. She accused him of cheating and he denied it. Then she caught him cheating.
Watching her show her insecurities like that brought back alot of memories for me. Have you ever watched something on TV and just knew exactly how they felt? I was really relating to Samanatha just then.
What I am wondering is, why do I still have those feelings? I’m alone. I have no one to get bad vibes from. There’s no one to ignore my text messages or phone calls. I am not feeling that wicked sense of jealousy on a daily basis, like I felt when I was with Eric. That’s not what I mean. What really bothers me is that just by watching a show I can conjure those feelings. Before him, before all of that mess, I did not even know what jealousy felt like. Sure, I had the occassional “oh she’s sooo pretty” feelings, but that is completely different from the psychotic, off the wall feelings I had when I was with him post-cheating.
Of course, I was talking to Larry and I saw that side of myself once again. Do I get those feelings because I KNOW something is up? Or do I get those feelings because I’m terrified it is going to happen again? Larry did turn out to be a dirt bag.
It’s hard for me to understand how I can still have those feelings. It’s not just jealousy, it’s pure terror that something bad is going to happen again. I can’t even put into words how devastated I was when Eric broke up with me for that girl.
But this isn’t about Eric. This is about me. Will those feelings ever go away? Are they intuitive or are they paranoia? A little of both? I just don’t know what to think anymore. I’m scared that if a TV show is still bringing those feelings up, they might not ever go away.
