Archive for February, 2009

Hooray!

{ February 24, 2009 @ 11:12 pm } · { Personal, work }
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I started working at the PX today. It kinda sucked because I was SUPER tired.  I worked ALL DAY & late last night.  And I worked 9-5 today.  My feet are killing me!  I actually fell asleep a little while ago. lol

Anyway, I’m writing because I got a phone call today! It was from the Shelter Director of the Center Against Family Violence.  She said they have a position available for an advocate and wanted to know if I wanted to come in for an interview! HOORAY! I don’t think it’s a volunteer position.  It would kinda suck if it was, but I would definitely like to have the experience either way.  This is along the lines of what I want to do.  I’m excited.  :)

I am tired, but I MUST stay up to watch Nip/Tuck.  Tomorrow is another long day.  9-5 at the PX and then working til like 12 or 1 at Applebee’s unless it’s slow and I get cut earlier.

For now I am going to watch the Bad Girls Club and try not to fall asleep.  The Ambers are sooooooo annoying.

Isn’t that kinda racist?

{ February 24, 2009 @ 3:34 am } · { work }
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I didn’t quit Applebee’s. Did I already tell you guys that? I forced myself to give it another try. I had two good days and then I had two bad days. Today was one of those days.

Everything started off ok. I had orientation on Ft. Bliss for the job I got at the PX. It’s weird being on a base/post again. I haven’t been a military dependent for like 4 or 5 years. The orientation was kinda boring and LONG, but oh well. I got paid for it. I did not get paid for my orientation at Applebee’s. But I’m kind of happy to be back in a retail environment. Unfortunately, the position at the PX is only part-time temporary (which is why I didn’t quit Applebee’s), because the girl that had it before was deployed. So, they have to save her job for her. But they said she seems to like what she is doing now (whatever that is) and she may not even come back. Until then it’s only temporary. At the same time I have the option to apply for other positions that become available. I also spoke with the HR Manager and I am eligible for management because I have a degree and retail experience. I just have to give them my resume.

After spending 8 hours there I had to go to Applebee’s. Why did this guy that I thought was cool say to me, “Hey Black/Asian!”? He said it LOUD in front of other people (and they laughed, of course). Now…let’s turn the tables. What would have happened if I had said, “Hey MEXICAN!”?????? I probably would have lost my job because EVERYONE would have been mad. I mean, first of all, I’M NOT ASIAN!!!!! Second, that is totally inappropriate in the workplace. Third, it’s “kinda” racist. Fourth, it’s fucking rude and it really pissed me off. I was already tired and didn’t want to be there. But I would never refer to someone in that manner. It’s not funny, cute, or OK.

So, later on I stopped this other guy to ask him what I needed to do for my side work. I thought he was going to be the one that told me what I needed to do for front of the house or silverware. Unfortunately, I do not know all the sections yet and I didn’t realize I should have been asking someone else. Well, apparently this guy thinks I’m annoying and when I stopped him he was like, “God! WHAT?!?!” So, I said, “Well, who is section one?” And he continued to say stuff like, “What?! What do you need?” Ass hole. At that point I turned around and said, “Nevermind.” Then he finally told me who I was supposed to ask.

I know that I probably bother some people because I always have questions. But I ask because I don’t know. Every day I am doing something I haven’t done before. I’m trying to learn, but there’s a lot to learn. Why do they have to be ass holes about it? It’s not my fault that I don’t know everything. Fuck. Sorry I haven’t worked at Applebee’s for 5 years. The funny thing about the “WHAT?!” guy is that he’s constantly correcting me or watching me or whatever. But I can’t ask him a simple question.

After that I was pretty fed up. I almost started crying. Of course, the manager on duty noticed and asked me what was wrong. I just told him I was having a hard time adjusting to being back in El Paso. I said that the people are so different here and I was a little upset. I mentioned the stuff that happened and he wanted me to tell him who it was, but I told him to forget about it. I’m just wondering if this is what I’m supposed to expect from most people.

You’d think that minorities would be sensitive enough to NOT say some dumb shit like Mr. “Black/Asian.” Then again, Mexicans are not the minority here in the El Paso Universe. That is exactly what this is. Lots of the people here have always lived here and don’t know anything else. But for me….I’m a minority no matter where I go. I’m not black enough. I’m not white enough. I’m mixed and I’m not Mexican, so I guess I will have to deal with this bullshit here in El Paso. I wish there were more people like me.

Eventually, I’m going to completely break down and flip out on someone. I keep holding all this stuff in instead of telling these people to go to hell and stop treating me like shit. Don’t get me wrong. I know that there are some nice people (and there are some at Applebee’s, but they aren’t always there), but damn. People here are pretty fucking rude.

…

{ February 15, 2009 @ 10:23 pm } · { CrAzY, Personal }
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So, I’m quitting Applebee’s. I am officially over it. I suck at being a server. And I’m so stressed out. But for what? $50 every day? yeah right. I’d rather go back into retail and work 2 jobs than work at Applebee’s.

I’d also rather go back into retail and work 2 jobs instead of living with my mother and living in El Paso. I can’t believe how wrong I was. I knew it would be bad, but I didn’t realize it would be this bad. I don’t have any friends here. Sure there’s Vanessa, Nicholas, and Jessica. But they have their own lives and I’m not going to chase after them and try to get them to include me. I don’t need to be around people every day, but it’s funny to see Myspace updates and shit and everyone is doing this and that. At the same time, I’m like, “I’m here now!” And nobody cares. The few times I have sent out text trying to get together with people…they kinda blow me off. Everyone always has something better to do.

What the hell was I thinking? I came back here for a support system of some kind and I have less contact with people that I did in Charlotte. I’m seriously thinking about packing up my shit and leaving. I can’t stand arguing with my mom and she ignores me half the time. I sit in this little ass bedroom like I’m a fucking teenager, watching tv. I don’t even like tv all that much. It’s so weird. It’s like someone hit rewind and then pause. Now I really feel like I’m stuck here. The only thing holding me back in the fact that my grandma is sick.

Obviously, I can’t go anywhere. I have no money. And I wouldn’t survive if I tried to live in my car. Yeah…I’ve seriously been thinking about that. Living in my car. Wow. I must be desperate.

I just want a break. I totally understand why people commit suicide. I really do. I feel like I’ve been having a hard time for years and years now. Nothing ever goes right. And I know exactly how to alienate people (I learned that from my mother). If I wasn’t so afraid, I’d do it. But I don’t like pain and I’m scared of guns. Believe me, I’ve thought of every possible way to do it. None of them are painless AND fool proof, so I can’t go through with it.

Plus, I keep thinking, “How would everyone else feel?” How would they feel? I honestly think that people would be sad, go to my funeral, and then they’d move on. With the exception of my parents and my brother (and my sisters too), who else is REALLY going to be affected? I’m not really close to anyone. I haven’t done anything profound. I really haven’t touch anyone’s life, or done anything super nice for anyone else. It’s sad to think that people would miss you, but not really.

My “friends” have all moved on to other things. How did I manage to get stuck and then move back almost 8 years? It’s so strange. I thought I had moved on, but I was really just playing around. I’m just an older version of myself 8 years ago. It kinda makes me sad to think that I have not progressed as an adult. I went through the motions, but never really accomplished anything.

I don’t know what I’m thinking right now. Actually, what I do know is that I’m very sad and very lonely. I just don’t know where to go from here. It seems like I’ve tried everything. I tried living with my dad, tried living with Eric, tried living with roommates, tried living alone, and now I’ve tried being with mom again. I just don’t FIT anywhere. I’m 25 and I’m already tired of trying to find a place where I belong and where I’m comfortable. I don’t want to date anyone. I’m really not interested in making any new friends either.

The next step is to give up. I just don’t know how to do that though. But I am truly tired of fighting and working, and always getting it wrong. What if I really am one of those people that will NEVER be happy? Can that be blamed on the depression and the bipolar? Or maybe it’s just my personality? What about the parents I have that never seem to be satisfied? I don’t know.

Needless, to say I’m LOST right now. Everywhere I turn there’s a fucking wall or someone ready to punch me in the stomach. That shit got real old REAL fast. Honestly, I don’t want to talk to anyone anymore. I don’t want to talk to Jessica or Vanessa or anyone. I also don’t want anyone feelings sorry for me because I don’t have a boyfriend/fiance/husband/family. I wish this wasn’t true, but I’m ready to pull the covers over my head and not wake up. THAT is where I am right now.

D-Day, V-Day

{ February 14, 2009 @ 10:21 pm } · { Feminist Rants }
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Everyone has had lots and lots to say about Chris Brown and Rihanna.  It is also Valentine’s Day.  Which reminds me of the Vagina Monologues.  If you have not seen Vagina Monologues, DO IT! Usually around this time of year lots of universities do their rendition of it.  I was it a few times at UNCC and it is truly amazing, touching, hilarious, and heart breaking.  They talk about sex, violence, masturbation, and EVERYTHING.  So….try to find a way to see it in your city.  Many times you can catch it at a university for cheap.  UNCC had it for $5.00.

That being said, check out VDAY.  The woman that created the Vagina Monologues, Eve Ensler, has started something that is pretty damn awesome.  Check out the website. Do a little research.

Now, this goes along with Chris & Rihanna, which goes along with my V-day, D-day theme. LOL  Something they talk about in Vagina Monologues is domestic violence.  I have a video for you.  Elizabeth Mendez Berry wrote an article for Vibe in 2005 entitled, Love Hurts.  She is also featured in this video.  Like I mentioned before, this happens ALOT.   Every time it happens the next time is worse.  So, please help your friends that may be in this situation.  Even Big Pun was beating up on his wife. I found this on a few sites, Feministing being one of them. Take a few minutes to watch this. There are some interesting statistics and the article is great too.

This is not “dirty laundry”.  This is a serious, SERIOUS problem.  We need to talk about it!


“The NUMBER ONE cause of death for African American women between the ages of 15 & 45 is INTIMATE PARTNER VIOLENCE!”

PETA and the KKK

{ February 11, 2009 @ 9:34 pm } · { Feminist Rants, Politics...kinda. }
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I’m all about animal rights (although I thoroughly enjoy meat & animal bi-products), but PETA just does not get it right. 2009 has been a bad year for them so far. First we had the banned Super Bowl commercial. Look it up on youtube is you haven’t seen it. And now THIS:

Talk about racially insensitive

wenn-peta__opt

So…I got this photo from Perez Hilton because this was the only one I saw with the actualy banner.  But I also saw this on Feministing and Womanist Musings .

How sad. PETA needs to get their shit together. I don’t understand how they thought this would be a good idea. The dog show people probably don’t feel all that threatened by the KKK, because the two of them don’t seem to have much in common.

Stupid.

Swagga Like Us

{ February 10, 2009 @ 5:47 pm } · { Feminist Rants }
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So…I wanted to touch on a few things that have happened in our wonderful celebrity world in the last few days. Yes, I have some comments about Rihanna/Chris Brown. But we’ll get to that in a few minutes.

So first of all…who saw MIA on the Grammy’s? How awesome is that? She was performing her ass off on her due date. She’s a diva, for real. Of course she was performing with 4 of the best rappers in the game right now. T.I., Lil Wayne, Jay-Z, Kanye West (cocky as fuck, but he’s selling records). Here’s the video if you missed it. I’m not really feeling her outfit, but you can’t win them all when you’re 9 months pregnant.

No one on the corner has SWAGGA LIKE US!

Chris and Rihanna. Obviously, I don’t know all the details, but it’s looking pretty messed up right now. I highly doubt he didn’t hit her. BUT I’m not here to judge. All I have to say is that domestic violence is bullshit. I don’t care who it is. Violence is never the answer. And I also believe it is NOT ok for women to hit men either. Just wanted to point that out.

My true issue with all of this is that people like T.I. are saying shit like, “Celebrities make mistakes too.” Right…like beating up your significant other is a MISTAKE. Ass hole. I know that Chris Brown is young and maybe he had some domestic violence in his family, but it’s his responsibility to get help.

I also take offense to the fact that people are saying, “She must have said or done something to set him off.” WHAT THE FUCK?! I don’t care what she said or did to him. He should have walked away.

Yes, celebrities are human. That’s why I’m not the least bit surprised to hear about this. I’m sure it happens more often than we think. Actually, I KNOW it happens more than we think. I can bet money that every single one of us knows someone that has experience or is experiencing domestic violence. You may not be aware of it, but it’s happening. It’s scary.

Anyway, there are some other things I wanted to touch on, but I’m getting a little long winded. I will just leave you with the video for my favorite song of the moment. Dreamworld by Robin Thicke. He’s HOT and so is this song.

Is It Because She’s Single?

{ February 6, 2009 @ 2:57 pm } · { Feminist Rants, Politics...kinda. }
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This is a short video of the Octo-Mom (as Perez Hilton calls her). I’m sure you all have been reading/hearing about this. It’s pretty controversial. She already had 6 children, then she had 8 more. Many are calling her selfish and irresponsible. Watch the video HERE. (I tried to embed the video, but it wouldn’t work.)

I’m not going to judge her. Maybe it was not the best idea to have 8 more children when you do not even have a steady income. At the same time…maybe she’s right. Is she being judged on a different level because she’s a single mother? What do you all think?

I think she might be right. I also think she should have thought this through a little more. I’m not sure what kind of counseling she plans to do when she gets her Master’s, but it better be pretty damn lucrative. Hmm…..comment. I would like to know what you all think about this.

Slightly Optimistic

{ February 6, 2009 @ 2:38 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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I had an interview today at Echostar/DishNetwork or whatever you wanna call it. LOL  It was for a sales supervisor position.  Honestly, I could not remember what position I had applied for, so it was a little bit of a surprise.  AND it was a group interview! BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Actually, I only had the interview with one other guy and he was pretty nice.  He was also alot older than me.  So, it kinda sucked.  Plus, he got the easy questions! I was like, “I could have answered that!”  Then the guy asked me all these hard questions.  And during one of them I got nervous and completely lost my train of thought and could not think of the word I was looking for. Boo! for me.

Obviously, it did not go as well as I wanted it to.  But I think I was lucky to even get the interview.  It went OK, but I would have rather had an EXCELLENT interview.  Maybe I will get a call back for a 2nd interview so that I can redeem myself.

Wish me luck!  Hopefully I will hear something soon.  I have my fingers crossed.

By the way…I’m watching that show Split Ends and it’s sooooooooooooo funny.  These ladies switched salons and one of them really only does men’s hair, and she’s getting her ass kicked working with women’s hair.  HOW SAD! But it’s super hilarious.

Oh and this lady just got her hair done and paid with EGGS! wowowowowowowowow.  Oh how I have missed having cable. LOL

Realtor + Dog = No Way

{ February 5, 2009 @ 9:48 pm } · { CrAzY }
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I’m watching House Hunters on HGTV.  BEST SHOW EVER! Well, not really, but it’s still great.

Anyway, the realtor/real estate agent is carrying her DOG around with her while they view the houses.  She was even talking to her dog when they did a little interview with her at the beginning. Weird…..and I’d be pissed if she was showing me houses and she was carrying her dog around with her.  FIRED! That’s all I can say.  Leave the dog at home while you’re working! YUCK!

Update:

EWW! So, they were signing the papers to make an offer on the house and that stupid lady had her dog walking all over the desk and on the papers. WTF   PUT THE DOG AWAY, LADY!

I’m so so tired of this

{ February 4, 2009 @ 2:21 am } · { Personal }
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I had the first official argument with my mother.  I’m sooooooooooooo over this shit already.

It’s obvious that we all need family, but mine really really really makes me sick.  These people are always telling me what to do, how to do it, and how I should act. Guess what?  I can’t be all those things.  Why does everyone feel the need to put pressure on me?

Most of this stems from Sunday at my grandma’s house.  Apparently, I said some things that my mother thinks I shouldn’t have.  Talking about going to Vegas was one of those things.  So, I guess I’m not going to Vegas because my mother and my grandmother think I shouldn’t.

Oh and my mom got mad at me because I told my grandma that I need to get new shoes for work. WTF I called my grandma the other day to see how she was doing.  She asked me how work was going and I told her that it was ok, but my feet were hurting because of my shoes.  I said I would like to get new ones and that I would when I had the money.  I guess Grandma said something to my mom about it.  How this is even an issue, I have no idea.  It’s not like I said, “oh Grandma! My feet hurt so bad. I need new shoes, but I can’t afford them.”  It’s not like I asked her to buy them for me.  I don’t get it.

I was also not getting some “cues” when we were there on Sunday.  I was washing clothes and my grandma was saying something about leaving at 2.  I had plenty of time to do another load.  Then my mom starts acting stupid about leaving at 1.  ok…maybe you should have told me that earlier, since I was obviously washing clothes.  I figured that washing clothes at Grandma’s was like killing two birds with one stone.  I could spend time with her and get clean clothes for free.  Well, thanks to mom I won’t be washing clothes for free anymore.  I’m going to have to sit my ass in some laundr-o-mat and waste time because I am obviously so inconsiderate.  Let’s not forget that it cost money and I DON’T HAVE ANY!

How do I resolve these issues? I’m keeping my mouth shut and going to a fucking laundr-o-mat.  I’m no longer going to my grandma’s at the same time as my mother because she always says stupid stuff to me and I’m obviously supposed to just sit there and let her talk shit to me.  Oh and I’m not going to Jessica’s wedding in Vegas.

One more thing! I am also not supposed to have fun all the time! Yeah! Because I’ve been having so much fun.

I guess I’m supposed to sit in this apartment and watch tv and let life pass me by.  So, don’t ask me to hang out.  I can’t.  I’m not supposed to have fun. I won’t be going to the club with Nick this weekend.  I will be sitting here playing poker on myspace.

It is really hard to NOT be angry.  I wasn’t happy in Charlotte, but atleast I could do what I wanted there.  Now I’m back in fucking El Paso.  This city is like another planet.  The people here are soooo different.  I can assure you that I won’t be making very many friends.  I did not want to come here and I’m not afraid to let everyone know that.  I don’t want to be angry.  I just want to live and grow as a person.  I can’t do that here!  I can’t even find a job because I don’t speak Spanish!  I went to college and have thousands of dollars in debt so that I could end up here serving food.

Surely I will be in a better mood tomorrow.  I just can’t get over the fact that everyone seems to think they know how I feel and that they know how I should live my life.  I don’t want to hurt my mother’s feelings, but she’s really getting on my fucking nerves.  She sits on her ass and goes to work.  I’ve worked full time, but I still managed to clean my fucking house.  I can’t STAND this apartment, but you know what? Let her get all that shit fixed. I’m done.  I will continue to clean what I use because I will vomit if I don’t.  Other than that? Fuck it.

Sometimes people push and push.  I really did leave here for a reason.  Maybe I didn’t like North Carolina all that much, but atleast I didn’t have to put up with all this shit.  Tiffany is never good enough for her family.

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