Archive for March, 2009

A Broken Heart…how sad….

{ March 30, 2009 @ 9:16 pm } · { Lovin' You...... }
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So, I have a friend and she is suffering from a broken heart.  Those of you that truly know what I mean by a broken heart can sympathize.  It is truly gut wrenching to lose someone that you love so much.  The worst part is the helpless feeling.

There’s nothing you can do about it.

Ultimately, it is up to us if you can move on with our lives or not.  It makes me sad that my friend feels like everything that was good in her life was because of this guy.  She feels that working hard in school and at work were for him.  :(   Do it for yourself!  Don’t let you life be about someone else’s happiness.  I know we should care for other people and love other people, but it’s not about them.  You were put here to live your life and be who you are.  Don’t do it for someone else.

I’m actually kind of angry about all of this.  At times like these you feel so alone and while many people have been through break ups, they don’t always know the devastation of losing a love that you didn’t even know could be lost.  The way I described my feelings of that time in my life are: raw, breathless, and lost.  I felt as though every single nerve in my body was exposed.  Kind of like live wires.  An elephant sat on my chest and I lost all of my motivation.  No matter how much I slept, got drunk, skipped class, cried, or took scalding hot showers…it just would not go away.

Now I know that it takes time to heal, but time could not move any slower.  Like me, my friend is far away from friends and family.  And I know it’s difficult to find people that will sympathize.  My mother said, “It happens to everyone.”  But that doesn’t matter when it happens to you.

Honestly, this is a subject that will forever touch my heart.  When my friend finally makes her way back to El Paso in a few weeks, I hope she knows that I will be here with open arms.  I get upset just thinking about what I had to go through.  But if I can bounce back, so can she.  I just hope she knows that she will never be the same after this.  Stronger, but not the same.  She won’t look at love the same way again.  Well…..I don’t.

ACTUALLY…….I’ll be unlike myself and be a little optimistic.  Maybe she will be able to have a positive outlook on love.  I hope she will.  ;)

Hopefully, some of you will stop being hard asses and help your friends out when they have problems like this.  Nobody can deal with this stuff alone.  The fact that you’ve been through it doesn’t make it easier for anyone else.  And just because you got over it in 2 months doesn’t mean we’re all that way.  Some of us fall harder than others.  Some of us have an even harder time getting back up.  Just be a real friend and stick around.  You never know when your time will come and you will need the same comfort.

The Weekend

{ March 29, 2009 @ 9:26 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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The weekend isn’t long enough. Especially when you have to work for half of it. And when you sleep the other half. LOL

I went out with Nicholas and John on Friday and stayed out WAY too late. Someone please remind me not to drink liquor when I’m just going to be sitting in bars. I felt like I was going to throw up afterward. I didn’t, but I was SUPER dizzy. GROSS!

We did see a girl fall while we were walking. It was FUNNY…I think the best part was that her friend actually stood there to point and laugh instead of help her up. WOW! Time to find new friends. haha

I slept most of the day on Saturday and we went to my grandma’s house. She’s doing OK for the most part.  It’s just weird to see her not eating very much and feelings bad all the time.

Shamara got to watch Waiting To Exhale today. NO FAIR!  I wanted to watch it first.  :)

Hmmm…Question.  Have you guys every done something that makes you SHUDDER at the thought…but you keep doing it?  You know that feeling you get when you think about what you did and you get that chill and you wanna shake the bad feeling away, but it won’t go? BLAH! I’ve been feeling like that for a while now.  But I can’t help it! lol I don’t know.  I’m sure I will stop eventually.  Maybe….

Besides that…I don’t really have anything to say.  I just wanted to pass some time since my text buddy stopped texting back. ;)

GUESS WHAT!!!!!

{ March 25, 2009 @ 8:07 pm } · { Personal }
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Nothing. LOL  I just wanted to write a little something today.

First, let’s say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my youngest sibling! Shamara turned 17 yesterday!  DAMN! I’m old.  I remember when she was 6 or 7 and she was dancing to Mya in front of the TV. hahahahaha  Whatever happened to Mya anyway?

That being said, I want to dedicate this music video to my little sister!  All grown up!

Wow…I think that was summer of 1998. That was my JAM back then. Haha That’s Shamara’s anthem. “It’s all about me…me…me…me…me.”

Just kidding. I love my sisters and my brother. :)

I went out with Eric last night, not the ex, but the old friend. It was fun. And I think INTERESTING would be another word. And I was only 10 minutes late for work today.

Other than that….I don’t really have anything to say. I just wanted to post that video for Shamara.

Are You Confused?

{ March 22, 2009 @ 11:54 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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So…after yesterday’s post I got some text messages, as usual……

It’s not always about YOU.  I guess it’s my fault for being vague, but if I got on here and said it all straight out and used names you would be mad.  Hmmm….  I’ll have to work on that.  For now I think I may have straightened most of that out.  We’ll see how many people stay mad.  ;)

Should I be more honest and call people out?  Should I refer to my worries by name?  Should I refer to the people I’m mad at by name?  I doubt that.  Although it would keep people from texting me.  I blogged about my old roommate and called her out and she didn’t like that very much although she always said she thinks I should just come out and say it.  I kept telling her and she wouldn’t listen, but she got pissed off when I called her ass out on the internet. lol  I don’t know…..

Anyway, Brooke will be here next week and I’m SUPER excited. We’re gonna party party party.  YEAH! Charlotte/Brooke&Tiffany STYLE! If we can find a place to go….I’ll have to work on that.  I’m definitely going to her house to eat though. LOL Her parents are awesome and treat me better than my mom does.  I think they like mixed children.  My parents obviously don’t.

My brother left today and I’m sad.  He’s kinda like my other half and I can talk shit to him and he can take it. Plus, we laugh at the same stuff. God! GIVE MY LITTLE BROTHER BACK!

The Ex keeps texting me about random stuff and I’m not sure how I feel about that.

Oh and am I the only person that thinks ITunes SUCKS ASS?! Damn…I hate that I have to use it with my IPOD.  Do I have any other options?

I had pancakes for dinner. And then I had rice.

I need to study…anybody want to come with me to Starbucks and quiz me?  I’ll pay!!!!!  But only for the first drink after that you’re on your own.

Hmmm…what else is random?

Oh I was downloading music today while my mom was watching Celebrity Apprentice and I ended up with some Brian McKnight.  I had forgotten about him….lol

It’s too hot here.  I want SPRING.  You can’t just SKIP Spring and go to Summer.

Who wants to take a trip to the beach?

Ok…I’m done being random.  I’ve been writing this for like 4 hours now…just adding random stuff to it.

Decisions

{ March 21, 2009 @ 7:17 pm } · { Personal }
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This week I went to see the Air Force recruiter and he was a total douchebag.  Do I look like I want to enlist into the USAF? HOW ABOUT NO! I could have done that WITHOUT my college degree.  I want to apply as an OFFICER and I don’t think he was listening.

The next day I went to see the Navy Recruiter that deals with Officers and he was SUPER FANTASTIC.  He sent me all the information I need to apply and prepare for the ASTB Test. Blah! But he sent me links to study guides and he was very helpful.   Unlike the Air Force recruiter that called me THREE times on Friday.

Anyway, I’m leaning toward the Navy at the moment.  We’ll see how that goes.  Either way I’m going to have to find the motivation to start RUNNING and getting in shape.  That’s going to be hard with my allergies going crazy and this cold I managed to get.  Maybe this preparation will help me find my motivation again.

Lately I’ve been stuck in this self-loathing and it’s really starting to bother me.  I know I’m not happy with my life at the moment and I rarely am.  I just feel like I should be doing BETTER.  On the other hand I don’t want to HATE myself because things don’t work out the way I want them too.  I don’t think I should feel like I’m at fault for the cards I have been dealt.  On the other hand….I DO feel that way.  I just need to figure something else out.

I know I’ve disappointed some people lately.  I just don’t want to get attached to anyone.  There’s no way I’m staying here and I don’t want anyone making me rethink any decisions I make about getting the hell out of here.  I’m not happy here.  I’m BORED. lol  The last time I changed my mind about something because of another person, I ended up with a broken heart.  That won’t happen again. I learned my lesson the first time.  I’m going to do what I want to do and what is good for me.

These ideas I have will alienate people, but I don’t know any other way to handle it.  I want to travel.  I get restless when I’m in the same place for too long.  I rarely hang on to friends anyway, so why not move every few years and meet new people and try new things?  Hence, the military idea.

Well, if you want to help me study for the ASTB feel FREE to call me. lol  It’s going to take me forever, but I will do it.  And then….I guess we’ll see.

Barbie

{ March 16, 2009 @ 9:39 pm } · { Feminist Rants, Uncategorized }
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I am guilty of playing with Barbie(s).  And I didn’t like the black ones either.  I think it was because they looked EXACTLY like the white ones, but with darker skin.  They could have atleast made her look like a REAL black girl. lol  Anyway, watch this short video.  I thought it was funny.

P.S. – I am going to talk to an Air Force recruiter this week.  I think I’m going to join if they will take me. lol

(I can’t get the video to embed.  Click here to see the video.)

Bad Bad Bad

{ March 15, 2009 @ 11:02 pm } · { Personal }
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I am laughing about this, but I know others have negative things to say.

All I have to say about Saturday night is that…I bought clothes…I spent more money that I shouldn’t have on drinks…and although I tried, it was still boring. I was bored. I went home. End of story.

In reality, I could have stayed and complained the whole time. I am different now. I am. My life has consisted of lots of hardships and going out has been one of the few stress relievers I have. To go out with people that are not into the same stuff I am…it doesn’t work for me.

I’ve sacrificed a lot for the happiness of others. I still do most of the time. Now, I don’t really care all that much. I can’t continue to sacrifice for others when they will not do it for me. Call me selfish. I have given up a lot in the last few months and I don’t feel like I should waste an evening if I don’t want to. I also think that I shouldn’t ruin everyone else’s time. That’s just me though.

Anyway, I’m done talking about that.

On Tuesday they told my grandma that she has stage 4 cancer. That’s the last stage. It’s sad. I’m sad. And I think my family may just fall apart when she does pass away. My mom and my brother are going to have a hard time with it. I will too. We’re not an emotional family. I am the most emotional and I get a ton of crap for it. My brother and I have learned to lean on one another when we need to, but my mother is a different story. There are some things going on there that you all don’t know about. I’m usually pretty open with my friends and you all know that my mom and I don’t get along. What you don’t know…well…I am not going to get into it here.

I just think that I am open to change and my family is about to go through something very devastating. To hear my mom say, “Well, I’m not going to change,” and have a closed mind, is hard for me. I think that we can learn from each other and she’s not willing to. The other night we had a big fight and I called her out on her shit. In the end, my brother told her he loved her and she just shook her head, no.

We know she loves us and we love her too. We’ve been hurt in similar ways and I feel for her, but she isn’t willing to change her life. What else can I do? It’s SAD. She has grown children and has no plans to do anything for herself except sit there and dwell on the fact that her job is so stressful.

Update

{ March 10, 2009 @ 1:17 am } · { Feminist Rants, work }
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It’s been a little while since I’ve written anything. When was the last time? A week ago? I dunno.

Work still sucks and working 70 hours a week is bullshit. Especially when it’s something you despise. I stayed home today because my feet have been hurting way too much. They feel tingly and….numb at the same time. I dunno. I just stayed in bed all day. Hopefully I will be able to function for the rest of the week.

I took Jessica out Saturday and it was GOOD TIMES! I’ll post the pics as soon as I get them from her. We’re silly girls.

Friday night Tessa and Stephanie left me at The Mining. It’s a good thing I get along with gay men and I drove my own car. I made some friends and finished out the night with a little bit of a bang. Still can’t believe those chicks left me though….strike.

Some UTEP Football player tried to hit on me (among others). The guys in El Paso are “EPIC FAILURES.” Do you guys really think that I am going to follow a complete stranger to an unknown location just because you have a bottle of Absolute Vodka under your arm? Grey Goose would be the minimum. But even then I’d have to think about it…and I’d probably tell you to keep it movin’.

Oh and when I say, “Sorry. I really don’t wanna dance.” That is not my way of playing hard to get. I really mean that I don’t wanna dance. GO AWAY. And don’t follow me back onto the dance floor and start humping my leg anyway. WTF

So, we exchanged numbers, but you were too drunk to remember what I looked like or your friends didn’t believe that I am really as hot as I am (LOL). Don’t text me 500 times asking me to send you a picture. YEAH RIGHT! I don’t hook up with 22 year olds anyway. I just figured you might be able to tell us where to find a good party or two.

Yeah I called a UTEP cheerleader a slut. SoOOOOOOOOO? Sorry, but I wouldn’t get on a stage/platform and let the DJ tell people that I was looking for a strange guy to take home and fuck. But that’s just me.

Also, DO NOT grab my arm. If I wanted your attention I would have stopped in the first place. And when I stop to tell you to let go…don’t lick your lips at me. EWWWWWWWW! I fucking hate that. To be honest, it’s one of the reasons I don’t talk to black guys. Not all of them do that, but most of the ones that hit on me do and that shit isn’t cute AT ALL. Get a new move.

Oh and let’s try to speak English when you talk to me. I haven’t forgotten that I’m in El Paso, but wow….maybe that’s why that guy wouldn’t go away when I told him NO! I thought it was the same in English and Spanish. Maybe I need to work on my accent, because my tone and body language just didn’t work.

In other news….my manager at the PX is officially on my shit list and I’m pretty sure I’m on hers as well. I called HR to ask them a question and she had already called them talking shit about me. This is the reason that I have a hard time getting along with women. If you have an issue with me, you need to “be a man” about it. I hate to use that phrase, but women are so fucking catty and stupid sometimes. How are you going to talk to my co-workers behind my back, call HR and then smile in my face the next day? You’re the MANAGER! But maybe that’s why they call it “Man-ager.”

I tend to lose my feminist viewpoint when it comes to this stuff. We work against each other all the time and THAT is why we haven’t made more progress. THAT is why men say we’re too emotional and can’t do the job. THAT is why some of us don’t get the promotions we deserve.

Anyway, I am sure April will have something to say when I go back tomorrow. I don’t really give a shit. She and the other Army wives can kiss my ass right now. Just because your husband is in the military doesn’t make you any better than me. My dad was in for 26 years and it did some shit to my family. You don’t see me acting like I’m entitled to anything. My mom doesn’t either.

I guess I just have to hope that shit doesn’t read this before I get a new job. LOL That would suuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Girl Crushes

{ March 2, 2009 @ 1:01 am } · { sex }
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First of all…Kelly Clarkson’s new cd is awesome. Just thought I’d let you in on that.

MOVING ON

As many of you know…I’m all about equal opportunity.  I have no issues with homosexuality.  I have no issues with girls hitting on me.  I think it’s flattering, unless they take it too far after you say you’re not interested.

ANYWAY…for the last few days I’ve been having discussions with a few people about my girl crushes on Megan Fox and Angelina Jolie.

If you know me at all you know that I have ALWAYS had a crush on Angelina.
Angelina Jolie

I can only WISH to be as sexy as this woman. Ugh….OH and that is where I am going to get my first tattoo. I just need to figure out what I wanna put there.

And then there’s my new crush, Megan Fox. The girl from Transformers (and my girl sex dreams). LOL
Megan 3

Megan Fox

Megan Fox has a thing for Marilyn Monroe! JUST LIKE ME! I want to make out with her.

Anyway, I guess what I’m getting at is that I don’t have any issues with my sexuality. I think women are beautiful. No…I’m no bisexual, but I figure I’m allowed to have a fantasy or two. I just wonder how many of my female friends feel the same way and won’t admit it.

I like going to the strip clubs (not male strippers though…ewww!). And I want to have sex with Angelina Jolie. Does this make me a lesbian? No. But I bet there are some of you that wish you had the balls to say it, like I do. LOL

Who is your girl crush? I can’t be the only one.