Archive for May, 2009

FIESTA!

{ May 28, 2009 @ 9:44 pm } · { friends, sex, work }
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Ok…I’m going to start this by saying something.

I DO NOT appreciate that someone could find my blog by searching “I want to get married, but I can’t even get a date.”

:/

WTF. I resent that! lol Because I don’t wanna get married and I can get a date! haha

So anyway. Laryssa and I went to Fiesta last night. Well, we worked and then went to Maverick’s. After a few drinks we decided to have a little fun. LOL

We got down there and pretended we were lesbians. It was sooooooooo funny. Did you guys know that place has a drive in theater? WOW! They show “films” on Friday and Saturday nights. Then they have an “arcade.” We went into one of the rooms and put in a dollar. While we were laughing our asses off we heard a bunch of moaning and stuff. So we started bumping the wall like something was going on in our room. haha Too funny.

They have 2 theaters on the inside too. We walked into one and of course a “film” was playing. There were guys in there and we left. The whole place was kind of gross.

Don't Drink The Water

You obviously can’t drink the water there. We took this picture in the bathroom. I was scared to wash my hands! (But I did anyway)

So, the old guy that was working didn’t know what to do with us. Laryssa kept saying that we wanted to watch porn for lesbian couples and he didn’t have anything. Then a spider almost attacked me! It was coming from behind and Laryssa saved me! haha It was a HUGE spider though. And the creepy man behind the counter said that he was collected a few of them to ask the pest control guy what they were. EWWWWWW!

Anyway it was fun.

After Memorial Day, I have seen the true colors of some of the people at work. Apparently, I was super wasted on Monday. NOT TRUE! I guess I let my guard down a little and had a good time. Now I’m a “Party Girl.” WTF I think it’s hilarious that they would say that about me. EVERYONE was drinking and some of those girls couldn’t even keep their bathing suits on because they were so drunk. I didn’t say anything. I guess I’m the only one that can keep my mouth shut. People talk too damn much.

I also found out that everyone was talking shit about other people. I’m so oblivious. I didn’t hear any of it. I also don’t hear any of it when we’re at work. I stay away from all of that stuff. It’s not worth it and when I quit I probably won’t talk to any of them again. Hmmm.

Well, I’m getting ready to go out now. Have a good night!!!!!

Memorial Day Weekend 2009

{ May 26, 2009 @ 2:05 pm } · { CrAzY, Personal, family }
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Fun times…until the very end.

Saturday night we went to Wing Daddy’s and then headed over to Carlos’ cousin Eddie’s apartment. My little brother and three of his friends came by. We played a drinking game and I think everyone had a good time.

I worked Sunday. And we went to Wet ‘N Wild for Balloon Fest on Monday. It was a blast until the very end of the day. We were standing there watching one of the bands when my brother’s friend Nick decides to tell their little friends he had weed in my car. Hmm….well thanks for letting me know. I don’t appreciate the fact that I’m ALWAYS being nice to these kids. Driving them around and supplying them with their “party supplies” AND letting them go with me and my friends to Balloon Fest. But for this kid to bring weed in my car and not say anything…I felt sort of disrespected. I think that I should be allowed to make the decision of whether or not he can bring weed in my car. Honestly, I wouldn’t have said anything about it. No big deal but that’s not his decision to make.

Anyway, I got in a fight with my brother because I wanted to say something to his dumb friend. Micheal didn’t want me to. I shouldn’t have argued with my brother, but I was pissed off. We ended up leaving. I’m not sure my brother really understands my logic in the situation. He says he does. But he said, “What’s the point of arguing with him?” I didn’t want to argue with an 18 year old HIGH SCHOOL kid. I just felt the need to let him know that he shouldn’t have done what he did AND tell people that he had that shit in my car…in the middle of a crowd. That’s all I was trying to say. But I got mad because my brother wouldn’t let me do what I wanted to do.

Blah. The whole thing was stupid.

On top of all that I tried to talk to my mom and she’s being an selfish ass hole. Sometimes people’s true colors come out when someone dies and there are material possessions involved.

I need to get out of here ASAP. My brother says that I can’t do everything myself. At the same time I’m not going to stay here. Nobody appreciates the fact that I’m here. I have no support system. If you don’t have your family, who do you have?

I’m aggravated and disappointed. I told them that I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of arguing with them. I’m just tired in general.

So, I have a goal in mind. I’m going to save up and go visit Delilah in July. If I like it there, I might consider moving there. If not…I’m thinking San Antonio or Dallas for now. If I go to Dallas I can go to grad school and I get my masters in women’s studies. I thought about Houston so I could be closer to my brother, but I don’t think that would make our relationship any better.

Either way I have to save up and get out of here. I thought I was having issues in Charlotte. This is really making me crazy.

Anyway, I’ve posted Wet ‘N Wild pics on Myspace and Facebook. Check them out when you have some time. :)

Long Shot

{ May 19, 2009 @ 3:32 am } · { Boys, Randomness, family, friends, movies }
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Random….

So this dude told me he was going to punch me in the face today…because I wouldn’t give him a high five. Apparently he was my co-worker’s boyfriend, but I had never seen him in my life. My first reaction was to hesitate because I didn’t know who he was. So he says to this other guy, “Man, if this chick doesn’t give me a high five I’m gonna punch her in her fucking face.”

Are you fucking kidding me? That is the most disrespectful thing a guy has said to me in a LONG time. I mean, I’m constantly called a bitch or stuck up because I don’t waste my time with random LOSERS. But for this fool to says he’s going to punch me (and not even say just kidding or even LAUGH) was beyond ridiculous. It didn’t help that I have been holding a lot of stuff in from the last week. My lack of an emotional outlet got the best of me (as usual) and I got WAY too upset about it.

Believe it or not, I didn’t cry or yell or do anything CRAZY. But I did feel my emotions get out of control. I got too mad and stayed that way for a long while. I’m not sure if my lack of a reaction is a good thing, but I’m just happy nobody saw me get upset. The whole thing was “uncool”, but I shouldn’t have been that mad about it. The old version of myself would have put that fool in his place. I keep trying to find that girl. I wonder where she disappeared to because I really need her right now. I keep thinking, “Why is everything so intense with me?”

Anyway….I found out today that we are having a small “service” for my grandma on Wednesday. I don’t know what my mom did, but I hope it’s just the burial of the remains. I saw the paperwork from the funeral home and it said something about embalming for family viewing. THAT is too weird for me and would hurt too much. I hope we’re not having a viewing. I want to remember my grandma a certain way.

In other news….

I’m seriously over people saying one thing to me and doing another. WHY? My family, friends, guys. LOL I keep trying to wrap my head around it and I don’t get it. I’ve got Jess, my brother, and my sisters to trust at the moment. Everyone else seems to have other reasons to get behind my walls. You “like” me or you like LOOKING at me and just want to get in my pants. You’re more interested in yourself than how I might be feeling.

Also…

I feel like you guys would know for sure if I “LIKE” you. If I haven’t made a move, I DON’T LIKE YOU LIKE THAT! I honestly feel bad because there are some awesome guys in my life. But I can’t like everyone that likes me. I can’t and I refuse to lead people on. It’s fucked up and you guys should stop doing it too! I really have so many stupid situations going on…and I’m not directing this at any one person. A few of them don’t even know this blog exists. lol But I need to vent.

At the same time, I think when I decide to let go, I really do it and I fall hard. My feelings get hurt easily too. I wish there was some middle ground. I also wish that I didn’t try so hard to trust people that probably don’t deserve it. Like what’s his face…lol. The rest of this conversation is for a certain time and certain ears.

I just took a quiz that said

Tiffany completed the quiz “When will you get married?” with the result 40s+.
You are not in any rush at all to get married. You really want to make sure that you get a chance to follow your dreams before you make such a huge commitment. If you get married at all it will be later in life..

Wow…I guess there’s a reason my relationships fail and I don’t really try to seriously date people anymore. haha And yes I take those Facebook quizzes VERY seriously. ;)

I’m watching Crazy/Beautiful. One of my FAVORITE movies ever, minus Kirsten Dunst and her TERRIBLE acting (made better by Jay Hernandez and his FINE FINE self). For the first time her character actually reminds me of…..me. Scary. There’s a reason I feel an attachment to this movie. I’d go into details about it, but I think I’ve overstayed my welcome in this post. LOL

Oh yeah. Wet N’ Wild for Balloon Fest on Monday, for those of you that would like to come along. We’re putting money together for food and buying the tickets on Wednesday. Get back to me if you’re interested.

And with that….DEUCES!

Road Trip

{ May 18, 2009 @ 12:03 am } · { Travel, family }
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So, I just returned from a fun weekend in Houston and San Antonio. I went to pick my brother up from school. We had a blast. If you want to see the pics, check out my facebook or myspace pages. If you don’t have access….too bad. LOL

The crush update…there may have been new developments. At this point I’m not giving out any details because people are nosey and/or I don’t want to jinx it.

I had a short conversation with my mother today that put me on edge. I have been here just over four months and mostly to help her. Yeah, I lost my job but I think God led me down that path so that I could be here with my family. I NEVER wanted to come back here. Ever. But I did. Now my mother has the nerve to say that I need to get “motivated” to take care of myself.

Excuse me….I have been doing that for a long time. Sure, I have been staying with her for the last four months but she hasn’t been paying any of my bills or feeding me. Plus, I’ve been helping her out by giving her some money. I’m trying to figure out why she was saying all of this to my brother like I wasn’t in the room AND she said it like I’m some loser that has never left home. It’s very unfair for her to say that. I came here to help and because I needed the support (I’m talking about emotional, not financial support) of my family. If I wanted to be “unmotivated” I wouldn’t have taken the first job I could get (Applebee’s).

I really don’t appreciate that she said that. I HATE living with her, so it’s not like I don’t want my own place. BUT I don’t want to get a place in El Paso. If I do that I will probably stay here forever. Fuck that.

Anyway, I have been waiting to blog about my trip all weekend. After my mom’s comments, I really don’t feel like it anymore. hmm…..I think it’s time to look for a job outside of El Paso. I need to get out of here ASAP.

Crush

{ May 13, 2009 @ 4:03 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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So, besides all the other drama that is going on in my life….R.I.P. Grandma….I’ve had butterflies recently. WEIRD because I haven’t had a crush on anyone in a LONG LONG LONG time.

The messed up part is that I haven’t said anything about this to ANYONE until now. You wouldn’t even be able to guess who it is. Plus, I barely realized it myself.

At the same time having a crush is similar to unrequited love. Who likes that feeling? YUCK! It reminds me of being with Eric or even when I was talking to whatever other guy I was talking to. I loved Eric and I liked “so and so” , but sometimes it didn’t seem like the feelings were reciprocated. You know what I mean?

Anyway, the butterflies are fun. The rest is lame. And regardless of my currently LACK of control over my emotions, boys still suck. :)

To My Grandma

{ May 11, 2009 @ 7:15 am } · { Personal, family }
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For those of you that haven’t already heard…my grandma passed away yesterday (Mother’s Day) :(

I miss her already and I’m very sad. But I have decided to take to my blog because it makes me feel better.

I have posted her pic on my myspace page if you would like to see what she looked like before she got sick. That isn’t the best picture of her…LOL but it was the first one I found tonight to post. Unfortunately my family isn’t big on photos (my mom’s side), so there are not any of us together. That makes me sad too. :(

Anyway, as I was driving home tonight this song came on my IPOD. I’m not a huge Mya fan or anything besides my tendency to be a gay man trapped in a woman’s body, but I liked this song and it got a spot on my Nano. Maybe Grandma was trying to tell me something. Now I know she’s in Heaven with Grandpa Henry and Bernie too. :)   Because I’m the corny/sentimental/emotional one in the family I will post the lyrics.  I’ll feel like a loser later, but I think it’s a nice gesture anyway.

BUT FIRST! My grandma loved Abba and she recently saw the movie Mama Mia! and really really loved it.  So here’s a tribute to grandma before my corny lyrics. LOL

P.S. This video is like a kung fu movie. The video doesn’t match the track. lol

Tried to go on my way without you
Why did you go?
Everyday I’m lost without you
I just don’t know
We were laughing and joking like nothin’
Then you got taken from me all of a sudden
Why did you leave me?
You were my homie
My nigga
My sister
When I needed you there you would listen
I seen a rainbow yesterday
Remember you use to say
After the rain

After the rain
The sun shines
Then a brighter day
After the rain
Change comes
Nothing stays the same
After the rain
The sun shines
Then a brighter day
After the rain
Things gonna change
There’s no more pain
After the rain

Memories falling on my pillow
And I hear that song
They say that
You don’t know what somebody really truly means
Until their gone
You were my homie
My nigga
My sister
And I’m tryin’ so hard but I miss you
How can this be?
Doors will open and with you
I’d walk through
Now I’m here by myself
Girl I need you
No one can ever fill your shoes
You’re one in a million, you
Oh you use to say

After the rain
The sun shines
Then a brighter day
After the rain
Change comes
Nothing stays the same
After the rain
The sun shines
Then a brighter day
After the rain
Things gonna change
There’s no more pain
After the rain

Every little drip drop won’t stop
Got me cryin’ waterfalls
Cause I miss you
And I know that one day soon
The sun is gonna shine
I pray
One day I’ll see you again

After the rain
Things will get better
So baby dry your eyes
After the rain
Every days a struggle
So there’s no need to cry
After the rain
Gotta keep your head up
You gotta stay strong

Yuck

{ May 7, 2009 @ 4:42 pm } · { Personal, family }
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As of today my grandma will be discharged from the hospital. She will no longer be a hospital patient, but we have decided to do inpatient hospice. So the hospice people will come to see her once a day and the nurses here will administer her medication.

Yesterday the hospice nurse said that the doctors think my grandma only has a few days left. :( She also said that they are going to slowly hydrate her less because the body goes through a process as it prepares to die……she even talked about how “amazing” it is.

I don’t know about all that. I know she’s right from all that bullshit I learned at Magnet, but right now it sounds like they are going to kill her slowly. The cancer is already doing that, but it’s weird that she would actually tell us that they are going to stop hydrating her.

I don’t know.

Today I brought some pictures of all of us from her house and I brought her a few night gowns. I think she will like those better than the hospital gowns.

Since I’ve been staying at her house, I’ve been wondering what we will have to do with all her stuff. It doesn’t seem right to throw it away. But realistically, we can’t keep ALL of it. My mom says we’ll figure it all out.

Oh and we are not having a funeral. My grandma didn’t want one. She’s going to be cremated and then the remains will be buried at Fort Bliss next to my grandfather. She didn’t want us to do anything, but I told my mom that I think me and my brother should get to go. I don’t know about everyone else, but I need closure. Plus, she went when Bernie died even though he didn’t want anyone to go either. Maybe I’m being selfish, but it doesn’t seem right to just send the ashes over. I’m thinking that she wouldn’t mind if it was me, Micheal, my mom, and my uncle. I don’t know. What do you guys think?

She never wanted this to interfere with our lives, but that’s kind of ridiculous isn’t it? I mean, she’s my GRANDMA! No matter what preparations she made before hand, it’s going to be hard. Luckily, there will not be any financial expenses. She made sure of that.

I just want to go to the beach. I miss the beach and I miss my grandma.

Grandma Update

{ May 5, 2009 @ 2:36 pm } · { family, friends }
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I am here at the hospital and she seems a lot better today. She’s more alert and she’s speaking to me a little more. And she doesn’t have the blank look in her eyes….well not completely.

Also, I want to say thank you to everyone for the kind words and prayers. We know that we will probably lose her sometime in the near future, but I really appreciate all the good friends I have. She is doing a little better today and there has to be a reason for it. Hopefully we will be able to take her home soon and hospice can make her more comfortable.

Oh and a special thank you to my friends Jessica and John. Jess: Thanks for checking on her while you’re working. I really appreciate that. Sometimes nurses and cna’s don’t care as much as they should. I just want to make sure she isn’t being neglected at night. John: Thanks for always asking how I’m doing and texting with me late at night. I know it’s mostly because you don’t sleep either, but still. You are appreciated. :)

It’s also good to see all the nice friends my grandma has. They have been coming to visit her and her neighbors have asked me about her since they haven’t seen her around lately. :)

Hmmm…besides that. I think I am going out tomorrow night. Just to hang out and get my mind off things. Plus, it’s my friend’s birthday. ;)

Anyway, I hope you all are doing well.

Hospitals Suck

{ May 4, 2009 @ 1:14 pm } · { Personal, family }
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I think it’s been over a week since the last time I wrote something. I’m sure there are a thousand things I could tell you guys, but I can’t really think of them right now.

Let’s start from….Thursday. Nothing interesting happened before that.

So, I had plans to go out on Thursday night and I almost stayed home because they put my grandma in the hospital. Apparently, it happened on Wednesday when she went to her doctor’s appointment. She’s lost way too much weight since she can’t eat. The doctor decided it was best to admit her. My mother neglected to tell me until Thursday afternoon.

When I got to the hospital she had just come back from a procedure to open a blockage in her stomach. I didn’t know this at the time, so I was super freaked out. She was crying and in a lot of pain. Then she started throwing up.

I met a nice guy at the hospital though. His name was Diego and his grandma was in the bed next to my grandma for a few hours. Then they took his grandma to ICU.

After I told them to give her some morphine, she got a little better. We found out on Friday that the procedure did not work because she had another blockage further into her stomach. My grandma refuses to let them stick another tube down her throat or have tubes protruding from her body, so they can’t do anything else for that. And of course there’s nothing they can do about the cancer. I think she may have just given up after it didn’t work.

Thursday night I went out with Joe, Jess, and John. Then we met up with some other people and basically had a high school reunion. It was fun. Joe and I ended up going to Jess & Willy’s after the bar and we stayed up ALL NIGHT. Willy is hilarious though. I”m happy Jess found him! ;)

Friday my grandma was doing ok. And I wasn’t able to come on Saturday or Sunday because of work. But when I got home last night my mom said that she was doing really bad now and probably won’t recognize me. The doctors have decided to keep her in the hospital because she doesn’t have much time left.

I almost feel bad for being so upset about this because I’m not the only person in the world to lose a grandparent. Maybe I just had myself convinced that she would live forever since she’s always been around and she’s NEVER been sick. Ever. So, it’s hard to see. It also really bugs me that she got so much worse after coming to the hospital.

Anyway, Friday night I went out with Joe again. And some old ass man hit on me at the bar! He was super old! And he gave me his phone number. LOL He was nice though. I’m just mad that I was there with a bunch of guys and NONE of them bothered to back me up. Punks. I did get two free drinks though. LOL If I had known someone else was going to offer to pay after I ordered I would have gone with Grey Goose instead of the well vodka. haha

I think Joe may be mad at me. That sucks, but I don’t know why. He hasn’t responded to my texts for the last two days. :(

I am off for three days this week, assuming Claudia is still going to cover my shift on Friday. I SHOULD work on Friday, but I really don’t feel like it at this point. I will probably find someone to go get drunk with. At the same time I realize I need another outlet for the stress I’m under right now. Drinking is bad! Especially when you manage to do it Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights. Oops.

Blah! I’m sad and I don’t know how to handle it right now. I just don’t want my grandma to suffer anymore.