Archive for July, 2009

Frustrated

{ July 27, 2009 @ 2:50 am } · { Personal }
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I think that my life is fabulous right now despite the fact that I am without a job (until Wednesday…thank God) and basically homeless. That being said, there are still a few things that I let RUIN my days.

1. Stupid People
2. Stupid People
3. My tendency to be UBER sensitive when I have other things going on

Over the last few days I’ve had people say some things to me that were meant in jest and I get all hurt over it. STUPID. But it’s due to a lack of self esteem. I keep my mouth shut up about it because I KNOW why I’m reacting the way I am.

Whether you guys believe it or not I am surprisingly self aware. Just ask all those psychiatrist/psychologist that I went to. I would sit there and tell them about a certain situation…how I dealt with it….and how I should have dealt with it. Yes, I have unpaid doctor bills for something that I could have done myself. It’s a shame that you have to pay someone to listen to your problems just so that you can talk yourself through it.

I can be acting like a total psycho and it’s almost like I’m standing outside of my body WATCHING and shaking my head in shame. LOL I’m serious. It’s ridiculous, but sometimes I have no control over those reactions. After the fact I feel really weak and stupid. And people whisper about me behind my back. ;) I’m okay with that, because I am kinda crazy sometimes.

Lately, I’ve been doing okay. Since I’ve been in Vegas I don’t feel like I have to fake it to fit in like I did in El Paso. That relieves a lot of stress. Of course, there are other situations that I am dealing with that should not bother me at all but I let them. One of those I have decided (only moments ago, thanks to Jessica) to let go of all together. The others…well those will take time.

I really want to RANT right now, but I can’t because I will piss someone off or hurt someone’s feelings. Maybe I shouldn’t care, but I do.

Hmmm….so how do I go about this? I need to vent and there’s really no one that I can talk to about most of it. I blog for a reason, but I try to be sensitive to my audience. haha I need to get this off my chest so that I can function and so that I won’t blow up at the wrong moment (which I have a tendency to do).

For those of you that are close friends…please don’t take any of this the wrong way. I would LOVE to talk to you. I just get so consumed with my own bullshit…if I start talking I will forget when to stop and start listening. So, if I don’t talk to you about it, I won’t continue to bother you about it every five minutes. Do you get it? Hopefully you do. In the meantime, I have to figure something else out. I have a few things that are consuming me right now and I know that it will get out of control before I know it.

I’ll figure something out, but it can’t involved punching walls because I’m sure Delilah wouldn’t appreciate it. ;)

Movin’ On

{ July 24, 2009 @ 2:06 pm } · { General Information }
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And….I’m back. That’s right! I’m back to my blog. It’s been a minute, but I’ve had a lot going on lately.

For those of you that don’t already know, I have relocated to Las Vegas! I basically just decided about two weeks ago that I wanted to move and left 4 or 5 days later. Don’t be mad because I have a free spirit now and I’ve got it like that. ;) DON’T BE MAD AT ME because I chose to NOT have kids or get married. And don’t try to make me feel bad about it either. I’m a little tired of some of you acting like I’m WEIRD because I have chosen this lifestyle. I’m only 25, I have plenty of time for kids and a husband if I even decide that’s what I wanna do. Ok?

haha I just thought I’d put that out there.

I’ve been here a little over a week and a half and I found a job already. It’s not a GREAT job, but it’s better than nothing. I will be serving at Johnny Carrabba’s. LOL Better than Applebee’s, right? I’m hoping it will be. In the meantime, I will continue to look for a REAL job. I didn’t go to college to be broke my entire life.

Delilah is a fantastic friend! Just in case you didn’t already know. She’s letting me crash here for the time being and I’ve been having so much fun. I hope she is too. I try to stay out of her hair and be a good non-paying house guest. :)

Uhm…..what else? Oh there was a boy situation. There WAS, but I’m pretty sure I blew that out of the water. LOL You know how I am. I get scared, panic, and push, push, push. It’s ok though. The timing is bad. I try to be open to meeting people. I DO! It’s just too hard sometimes. I’m at a very selfish point in my life. I can be a good friend, but when you have so much drama and baggage that I can’t tell left from right…I tend to run in the other direction. I’ve been through so much the last few years. I really just want to feel “normal” and “good” and like I’m not in a crazy ass dream.

That being said, I can talk as much shit as I want, but I do like “boy.” On the other hand, I really just want to be able to have a good time, explore Vegas, learn about myself, and….well….just be me. How do you do that when someone you can’t see every day has their own shit to deal with? I’m all about listening, but it’s frustrating to have a friend dealing with stupid stuff that you can’t help with. And let’s be honest…I’m not trying to get my feelings hurt either.

You all know that I have issues I need to deal with. Still. I have actually JUST gotten to the point where I think I might ALMOST be ready to seriously date again. Maybe. It sounds crazy, but I have really come a long way. I’ve had a few flings over the last year and a half and none of them really meant anything to me. That puts me in a weird position now, because I think I might actually LIKE someone that isn’t Eric. Scary, huh? I might actually like someone that isn’t my lying, cheating ex-boyfriend.

On the other hand I still have feelings for Eric and I wonder if those will ever go away. It’s frustrating because I want to move on with my life sooooooo bad. How can I do that when I still haven’t let go of what happened? It’s been THREE YEARS!!!! Well, three years since we broke up the first time. In case you forgot that was the most DEVASTATING thing that has ever happen to me and I haven’t been the same since. :\ I can’t get over the paranoia I have. I can’t let go of the feelings that I’m being lied to or played. That is probably the part I hate the most. Every other guy isn’t him. I KNOW in the back of my mind that they won’t ALL treat me like that. So, after all this time, why haven’t I let it go? I don’t think I’ve even let it go a little bit.

I’m the girl that freaks out when you don’t return my phone calls. And I’m the one that deletes people’s phone numbers so that I won’t call them and act stupid and crazy. LOL I HAVE TO! If I don’t I risk alienating people. In the meantime, I sit and wait for you to call/text me. And believe me…I’m waiting and checking my phone ever 5 seconds.

It’s crazy, but I’m willing to admit it. I admit that I haven’t completely let go of the past. I’ve always had trust issues but I’ve never been this guarded. How in the hell am I supposed to move on and be happy, when I can’t even let people in to share it with me?

Honestly, I’m talking about EVERYONE, not just one person in particular. I refuse to let anyone hurt me again and that prevents me from partaking in what could be amazing friendships or relationships. Sad, but true.

After all of that I would like to add that I’ve happier than I’ve been in a LONG time. That could change at any given second, but I’ll take it for now. This is the third state I’ve lived in this year and I’m hoping I will be here for a while. You all be sure to come and visit me.

Oh and did I tell you guys that I got tickets to see Britney Spears? Delilah and I will be back in El Paso on September 18 or 19 (I forget which date). That should be tons of fun. We get to go with Lily and Jessica. :) I miss you Jess!!!!!!!!!

And….I think I’ll end this here. Hopefully, I’ll be back sooner than later. I have so many other things I want to fill you guys in on, but there isn’t time right now. :) Call me, text me, Facebook me, hit me up on BBM (if you have it). I’m always around. Plus, I’m probably WAITING for you to text me anyway. LOL