Archive for August, 2009

Things You Should Know About Me

{ August 23, 2009 @ 6:32 pm } · { religion }
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My thoughts on religion.

agnostic one who believes the existence of God cannot be proved or disproved
atheist one who assumes there are no gods or divinities but will accept the possibility should extraordinary evidence occur

Examples
An agnostic may participate in organized religion… just in case.

Some Marxists were atheists who believed that organized religion encouraged oppressed peoples to endure their hard lives in order to be rewarded after death in heaven.

Who would have thought that I’d agree with a Marxists Atheist. LOL Yes…I don’t consider myself an Atheist, but I do think that religion exists to keep people in line. I also think it exists so that people can have something to live by. We don’t want to walk around with no idea why we’re here! It’s confusing. I think everything happens for a reason and I believe in God. AND I believe in the “Butterfly Effect” and/or Chaos Theory (they are not exactly the same). I don’t take it all LITERALLY though.

“It has been said something as small as the flutter of a butterfly’s wing can ultimately cause a typhoon halfway around the world.”

We use religion to explain what we can’t explain already. That’s like “back in the day” when people would get sick and it would be blamed on the anger of the “GODS” or because someone did something bad. Now we call it cancer/flu/tuberculosis/or whatever.

I can understand that though. When I lost my job and had to move back to Texas, I was like “God…why is this happening to me?” Two days later I found out my grandma had cancer. She died 5 months later. Now I’m in Las Vegas starting over with a job in a career field I had always wanted to be in.

I believe, I just don’t believe EVERYTHING people try to tell me about religion. I don’t believe everything they tell me I should believe. Would you believe me if I said, “If you don’t finish that hot dog right now, God is going to strike you down”? Probably not. Now if it said something similar in the Bible, you might believe it. BUT WHY?

Like this “conversation” I had on Facebook today:

My Cousin: In the kitchen doin a lil sumthing. Were having pork chops smoothered in onions and gravy,rice and stewed cabbage and of course sum corn bread…. Jus talkin bout it is makin me hungry…. (LOL)

Me: Hello! You need to make me a plate!

My Cousin: I got u! When r u coming to visit?

Me: LOL Probably not until next summer. But you can make pork chops smothered in onions and gravy year round. I could make them too, but my current financial situation prohibits anything besides ramen noodles, rice, and sandwiches. haha I will live vicariously through your posts until further notice.

My Cousin: Ur crazy girl….know ur always welcome to come

Troll: leviticus 11:7-8, isaiah 66:15-17

Me: LOL You are trying to say that we’re gonna go to hell for eating pork?

Troll: No sis if you dont stop eating pork yes this is the penalty judgement from GOD so I am just trying to warn you. So now that you know are you going to stop eating pork crab lobster shrimp etc all the abominations of the lord

Me: LOL I hope you realize that it’s not always your place to push your religious beliefs on others. Actually, it’s kind of rude. What if my religion requires me to eat pork? Don’t answer that. I’m a classy girl and I’m not going to start anything. I just don’t think it’s fair for you to throw that in there like that. You do you and we’ll do us. Whether or not I participate in any “abomination of the lord” is not really your concern. (Sorry Cuzo. I couldn’t just let that slide. Maybe I’m not as classy as I’d like to be. :/ I’m leaving now. lol)

Yeah…I probably should have kept that last one to myself, WHATEVER! I didn’t appreciate him jumping into our conversation about DINNER with his bible verses. I hate when people do that!

That’s what I’m getting at though. He believes in that and it’s FINE, but I obviously don’t! My cousin obviously doesn’t either. Or she just chooses to ignore it and eat her smothered pork chops anyway. Either way…it was uncalled for. Nobody asked for his religious input. I don’t jump in his conversations and say “Well, I’m Buddhist and I believe….zyx!”

I don’t think you should pick and chose what you wanna believe. I mean, I don’t believe a HUGE part of the bible. I believe in God. I don’t really believe any of that other stuff.

Haha. Sorry. That guy kind of set me off and I can’t even remember what else I was going to say. But if you didn’t know…now you now.

Don’t Lie

{ August 22, 2009 @ 4:30 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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One of the first things I said to Eric when we started dating was..”Don’t lie to me. It will piss me off and hurt me more than if you just told the truth in the first place. Don’t cheat. Just dump me.”

He spent our entire relationship LYING to me AND he cheated. How can I say something like that upfront and then he did it for FOUR YEARS? I don’t understand that.

There is nothing I hate more than a LIAR. Seriously.

I honestly think there’s a difference between a “white lie” and just lying to save your ass. I’ve told a few white lies in my time. I mean, it’s sort of hypocritical. But me lying to a customer at my job and saying, “Oh yeah that salad is GREAT!” even though I HATE it, isn’t the same as me lying to someone I’m in a relationship with.

I’m angry right now. I think it’s because I wanted to believe all of it….and something told me not to. I went along anyway. GUESS WHAT! My gut instinct was right.

I don’t think everyone deserves a second chance. I don’t. Some people deserve a second chance, but not ALL of them do. How do we determine who those people are? Did Eric deserve a second chance? NO! He got one though and it was a WASTE.

LOL Before I go on. Let me just say that this is not about Eric. He is my example for everything, but this isn’t about him at all. I’m mad at an entirely different person.

That being said, I’ve learned a lot in the last 8 years. I’ve learned that the people that I let close to me are going to hurt me. I’ve learned that while I am a relationship type of girl…most guys aren’t ready for the type of relationship I want to have. I want honesty. I want dedication. I want someone to be real with me. Don’t bullshit me and blow my head up. That isn’t going to help anything. The people I respect the most are the ones that have the balls to say, “Look. You need to chill out.” Like my brother. And my sisters will tell me that too.

So, this person I’m mad at was going to make their way out of my life WEEKS ago. I was ready to delete all the information and move on. But my sister said, “No. Calm down. You don’t even know what REALLY happened.” I listened to her. She’s optimistic about most things and not as JADED as I am. Sometimes, we have to remove ourselves from the situation and look at it from another perspective. I did that and according to the story of “the accused” I was wrong. I felt stupid and moved on from it.

NOW…there’s really no denying that “the accused” is actually “guilty”. I don’t have time to play games and I don’t have the patience. I think the ones that constantly have to remind you that they wouldn’t lie are the liars. Sometimes I think I have a stamp on my forehead that said, “If you lie…come talking to me. I LOVE IT!”

That’s hardly what I’m looking for.

I think what annoys me the most is that I really do try to look for the best in people. With all the flaws I see, I do realize that I have a a lot of my own. I can get passed the fact that I took the time to pursue “higher education” and you did not. I can get passed the fact that I make more money than you do. I can get passed the fact that you were married and have a kid. I took the time to look passed all that. Most young women like myself wouldn’t take the time to do that. They want all of it and I was really trying to “settle” for the the best parts. Or what I thought were the best parts. Turns out that was a load of crap.

I’m not a gold digger. It’s not fair to expect a guy to have more than what I have. And right now I don’t have anything of my own, so what do I look like expecting a guy to have more? It’s not fair and I’m not like that. I have a lot of friends that frowned upon “guilty’s” situation. Honestly, the whole thing is kind of messed up. I don’t need that kind of drama or baggage. Then…I have my own drama and baggage and that was never an issue for “guilty”.

I’m searching for words here and I can’t find them right now.

I can’t find them.

Well, what I will say is that now THE CIRCUS will be a girls only event. I’m looking forward to it. And with “guilty” out of the way I can get my head out of the clouds and focus on my situation ONLY. I don’t need to worry about someone that doesn’t care enough to tell me the damn truth. I’ve been saying that for years now. I just hope that it will become more apparent next time around. I don’t have the energy anymore. I don’t have the energy to stay so guarded, but I also don’t have the energy to deal with hurt feelings.

drained. tired. exhausted. I’m done.

How Convenient

{ August 9, 2009 @ 5:05 pm } · { Boys, Randomness, family, friends }
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So…good things only last so long for me and I guess I don’t get more than a few days to enjoy it. LOL

Last night…I sort of had an epiphany. “Let down your walls, get your feelings hurt.” Sometimes I let people get close to me and I don’t even realize it. I put my faith in people and…sometimes I need to listen to those around me because they might just be right even if they do sound bitter. I really don’t know what else to say about it. I’m annoyed, frustrated, and a little sad. It’s hard when you feel like you have to do EVERYTHING alone. Don’t get me wrong I have some great friends in my life. I just hate that some people aren’t willing to give as much as I am. I give 100% when I finally decide to give anything at all. My friends, boyfriends, family, people I’m dating…they all get 100% and sometimes more. With the exception of my brother and my true friends, nobody is ever willing to give me that much. It should be easy for me to just walk away if people aren’t giving as much as I am, but it’s not. Once I commit to something, I’m committed. I’m not just talking about romantic relationships either.

A friend said this to me today:

You’re an amazing, strong and intelligent woman. It’s hard to think that any guy would actually deserve you.

Is that a good or a bad thing? I only ask that about the last half. THIS IS A COMPLIMENT. I know that, ok? LOL BUT I was thinking about it. Isn’t it about time that I met someone that I deserve and that deserves me in return? There has to be someone that deserves all the positive things I have to offer and has the patience to deal with my flaws. When I care about someone I have patience for their flaws, because I definitely have some of my own. There are exceptions to my exceptions…but you know what I mean.

I’ll think about it some more and I’ll get back to you. What I do know is that I am no longer going to let myself fall for guys that portray that stupid masculine ideal. Most of them are ass holes. For sure.

Something else that occurred to me today:

Paranoia will destroy you.

Ain’t that the truth? lol I’m working on it though.

Then I found out that my dad’s brother was murdered last night. Yeah…I don’t even know what else to say about it. My other uncle just died in November. I’m not close with that side of my family, but I feel really awful for my dad. The only positive part about it is that they know who did it and have that person in custody.

Those are the bad things from this week. On a good note I worked 5 hours last night, had 6 tables total, and still made $70. Plus, I make minimum wage instead of $2.13 like they paid me in Texas. I think that’s pretty damn good. Tomorrow I go to the counseling center to get my background check and fingerprinting done. I should be able to start working in the next few weeks (I still have to get re-certified in CPR and get a TB test), so that’s pretty exciting.

Well, I am going back to working on getting TwitterBerry to work on my BlackBerry.

Good News!

{ August 6, 2009 @ 6:33 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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I said I would post something that isn’t so blah blah blah. I have arrived! :)

Well, this morning I woke up to an email on the blackberry from the woman that interviewed me on Tuesday for a position at the the counseling center. She offered me a job! I will be a Psychosocial Rehabilitation Specialist!
I will mostly work with children, but the center does work with some adults as well.

I know what you’re thinking…”You don’t even like kids, Tiffany!” You’re right. But I think there’s a difference between a child with RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) and a little brat with parents that don’t care to discipline them. Get it?

Besides that I’m blessed to have some amazing people in my life right now. They are supportive and giving. It’s really what I need and I’m happy that I removed myself from the situation I was in before. The last few years have been hard, but things are really starting to look up for a change. I’m excited for what might happen next.

I have THE CIRCUS to look forward to next month, so that’s cool. It will be fun to have some drinks with Jess, Lily, and Delilah before running off to see “The Legendary Ms. Britney Spears.” Too bad we have to do it in El Paso, but it will be AWESOME either way. Britney had better not disappoint us! That being said, here’s that video AGAIN! A remix of Break The Ice featuring clips that span her career SO FAR. Thanks again to Sean for showing us this. LOL I get chills every time!

Anyway, what else….Today is my last day of training at Carrabba’s and I have to leave for work in a few minutes. I met Flava Flav yesterday. He was pretty nice and was wearing a damn clock around his neck. But at least he stays true to his style. For real.

Uhm….that’s the bulk of it for now. I’d elaborate, but I have to RUN. :)

Oh and good job to Oprah for rejecting Chris Brown’s interview request. He’s a douchebag that needs serious therapy instead of trying to resuscitate his career via Oprah’s most female audience. I see right through that shit and I’m happy Ms. Winfrey did too.

K. Bye!

She Who Refused To Be Submissive

{ August 5, 2009 @ 3:46 am } · { CrAzY, Personal }
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I stole this title from Melissa Forman. She’s an artist and pretty damn good, if you care. Check out her website if you’re bored or if you like art. She was the featured artist on my IGoogle today. :)

Anyway…I needed to write something. I’m starting to get overwhelmed with this anxiety. My face is starting to look like it belongs to a 15 year old boy. I’m still not sleeping well. I’m cleaning bathrooms at midnight. Here comes the OCD again…I managed to talk myself down. I came to my blog instead of taking it out on Delilah’s guest bathroom.

This is all starting to freak me out a little. I still have that damn bipolar diagnosis in the back of my head. Am I still cycling? My biggest fear right now is that I am going to go back to that dark place I was in. It’s been a rough 7 months, but I’ve managed to keep my head above water MINUS the medication. Now I’m not sure if it’s because I have really had control or if it’s because the damn chemicals in my brain are going haywire again. :\ I’ve been pretty solid for about a year now. I’ve been medication free for about 6 1/2 months.

Of course, there’s always a chance that it has been triggered by the changes that have gone on in my life. Regardless of the fact that things are going pretty well, I still can’t get rid of this damn nagging in the back of my mind.

I’m crazy, I’m crazy, I’m crazy. I can’t handle it, I can’t handle it, I can’t handle it.

There have been times before that I have discussed my self awareness. I’m aware of when I’m losing control. I KNOW when I am doing something crazy. Sometimes I can stop myself. Sometimes it happens too fast for me to stop it. Honestly, I have conversations in my head. I fight with MYSELF. That sounds crazy, but it’s 75% true. As I stood in the bathroom tonight I was scrubbing. I was bothered by the fact that I don’t have a place for EVERYTHING. At the same time, I was saying “Stop it. Go sit down. You’re stressing. Delilah is going to think you’re crazy if you break out the bleach and scrub her bathroom to death. SIT DOWN. Find some other way to deal with this anxiety!”

Now, that I think about it….I haven’t been drinking much lately. Could that be the reason I didn’t have any “episodes” while I was in El Paso? The truth is that I was probably drunk 40% of the time I was there. I’ve been out seriously drinking twice in the last three weeks. That’s NOTHING for me. I sort of have cravings or urges to go out drinking. I like the the feeling of being uninhibited. Obviously, I do STUPID things when I’m like that. But it’s…nice to not worry, not THINK. This leads me back to the fact that I KNOW why I drink and participate in other extra curricular activities. I also know that alcoholism runs in my family. It is likely that I picked up the behavior that way and it could get worse. Scary, huh?

I guess what I’m getting at is that I feel like I’m losing control and I don’t want to be SUBMISSIVE to my mind…the unbalanced part of my mind. I’ve felt like that for MONTHS now, but being away from my family makes it even more REAL. There isn’t anybody I can talk to. Believe me. If I told you guys some of the stuff I think about…haha. I know I have friends and some of them are willing to listen. BUT…I’d rather avoid the awkward silences or the uncomfortable glances in the other direction. Everybody goes through things, but this is a little different. I’m not just having a hard time. I’m dealing with something that may NEVER go away. I could grow out of it, but I don’t know and most people don’t understand that. Just because YOU can get up and look on the bright side of EVERYTHING doesn’t mean that I can or that I “just don’t want to.” Things would be easier if I could, believe that. I’m just not wired that way. I really want to believe that stuff, but it’s not MY reality.

I believe in conditioning…but sometimes that isn’t the case.

ANYWAY, I feel a little better now. There are so many things bothering me. I won’t go into detail about them here (remember I mentioned audience sensitivity? LOL) and that SUUUUUCKS. But it’s the nature of my world. I take on all the pressure so that nobody else has to.

Hmmm….I needed to vent and I did. Now I don’t have the energy to write about all the GOOD things that are going on. There are good things I PROMISE! I’ll have to send myself a reminder on the blackberry to sit down and write something FABULOUS, so that you all know that my life isn’t all dark clouds. LOL I do this as therapy and sometimes I forget to write about the good things.