If I Hadn’t Made Me…

One of the first things I said to Eric when we started dating was..”Don’t lie to me. It will piss me off and hurt me more than if you just told the truth in the first place. Don’t cheat. Just dump me.”

He spent our entire relationship LYING to me AND he cheated. How can I say something like that upfront and then he did it for FOUR YEARS? I don’t understand that.

There is nothing I hate more than a LIAR. Seriously.

I honestly think there’s a difference between a “white lie” and just lying to save your ass. I’ve told a few white lies in my time. I mean, it’s sort of hypocritical. But me lying to a customer at my job and saying, “Oh yeah that salad is GREAT!” even though I HATE it, isn’t the same as me lying to someone I’m in a relationship with.

I’m angry right now. I think it’s because I wanted to believe all of it….and something told me not to. I went along anyway. GUESS WHAT! My gut instinct was right.

I don’t think everyone deserves a second chance. I don’t. Some people deserve a second chance, but not ALL of them do. How do we determine who those people are? Did Eric deserve a second chance? NO! He got one though and it was a WASTE.

LOL Before I go on. Let me just say that this is not about Eric. He is my example for everything, but this isn’t about him at all. I’m mad at an entirely different person.

That being said, I’ve learned a lot in the last 8 years. I’ve learned that the people that I let close to me are going to hurt me. I’ve learned that while I am a relationship type of girl…most guys aren’t ready for the type of relationship I want to have. I want honesty. I want dedication. I want someone to be real with me. Don’t bullshit me and blow my head up. That isn’t going to help anything. The people I respect the most are the ones that have the balls to say, “Look. You need to chill out.” Like my brother. And my sisters will tell me that too.

So, this person I’m mad at was going to make their way out of my life WEEKS ago. I was ready to delete all the information and move on. But my sister said, “No. Calm down. You don’t even know what REALLY happened.” I listened to her. She’s optimistic about most things and not as JADED as I am. Sometimes, we have to remove ourselves from the situation and look at it from another perspective. I did that and according to the story of “the accused” I was wrong. I felt stupid and moved on from it.

NOW…there’s really no denying that “the accused” is actually “guilty”. I don’t have time to play games and I don’t have the patience. I think the ones that constantly have to remind you that they wouldn’t lie are the liars. Sometimes I think I have a stamp on my forehead that said, “If you lie…come talking to me. I LOVE IT!”

That’s hardly what I’m looking for.

I think what annoys me the most is that I really do try to look for the best in people. With all the flaws I see, I do realize that I have a a lot of my own. I can get passed the fact that I took the time to pursue “higher education” and you did not. I can get passed the fact that I make more money than you do. I can get passed the fact that you were married and have a kid. I took the time to look passed all that. Most young women like myself wouldn’t take the time to do that. They want all of it and I was really trying to “settle” for the the best parts. Or what I thought were the best parts. Turns out that was a load of crap.

I’m not a gold digger. It’s not fair to expect a guy to have more than what I have. And right now I don’t have anything of my own, so what do I look like expecting a guy to have more? It’s not fair and I’m not like that. I have a lot of friends that frowned upon “guilty’s” situation. Honestly, the whole thing is kind of messed up. I don’t need that kind of drama or baggage. Then…I have my own drama and baggage and that was never an issue for “guilty”.

I’m searching for words here and I can’t find them right now.

I can’t find them.

Well, what I will say is that now THE CIRCUS will be a girls only event. I’m looking forward to it. And with “guilty” out of the way I can get my head out of the clouds and focus on my situation ONLY. I don’t need to worry about someone that doesn’t care enough to tell me the damn truth. I’ve been saying that for years now. I just hope that it will become more apparent next time around. I don’t have the energy anymore. I don’t have the energy to stay so guarded, but I also don’t have the energy to deal with hurt feelings.

drained. tired. exhausted. I’m done.