Archive for September, 2009

My “What If’s”

{ September 28, 2009 @ 2:30 am } · { Lovin' You...... }
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I’ve been playing the “what if” game a lot lately. Dangerous game. It all started with a friend saying “What if he’s the one?!?” LOL

I find it odd that we gamble with life and with our feelings. Like the above question. Can’t we say that about ALL of our potential suitors? I (jokingly) said the same thing to my sister about some boy that likes her.

Yeah, I picked a pretty archaic word, suitors. I’ve been thinking about the “dating issue” lately, which is what got me mixed up in all the what if’s. One of my best friends got married this year and I thought, “What if I had married Eric?” My friend gave EHarmony a try over the summer and I thought “What if I met someone on EHarmony?” Another friend found an AMAZING boyfriend and I thought “What if I had an amazing boyfriend? Would I screw it up?”

I have no intentions of getting to answer to my “what if?” about Eric or trying to find a man on eHarmony (no offense to anyone, it’s just not my style). The last question…I think I’m ready to deal with it.

I actually had a conversation with a friend via text and that lead me to think about What if’s as well. The word curiosity came up in the conversation and I wasn’t sure if I should be flattered or insulted. You’re curious about being involved with my body, but not my mind? hmmm… My thought was, “What if that happens and then we can’t be friends anymore?” Let me remind all of you…curiosity (obviously in the same category as What If?) is dangerous. It can cause you to do things that you can’t take back later and it can take your mind to places you may not want it to go. Trouble…that’s all I’m gonna say about that. My mind definitely went there. LOL

It’s been a long time coming, but I’m ready to have a boyfriend again. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had a lot of fun over the last 18 months…probably too much. ;) I’ve had the chance to get some stuff out of my system, as well as learn A LOT about who I really am. That is a never ending battle, but I’m honestly ready to test the waters again. While my last relationship was a huge mess, I also learned so much. Am I crazy for wanting to try it again? Probably.

I don’t want to get married, but I’m really discovering what I have to offer and I want to share it with someone else. Being single is fun. A LOT of fun. haha But the more time that passes, I realize that I’m losing all of my friends to their relationships. They have KIDS (I don’t want any of those though) and husbands and wives and serious boyfriends/girlfriends. My Single Girl Pool is getting pretty damn empty.

Here’s the reality of what I’m saying. Boyfriend = having the courtesy to let them know what I’m up to. Am I ready to do that again? Boyfriend = trusting someone else. Am I ready to do THAT again? Boyfriend = letting go of my single girl swag. haha. Can I handle that? Am I WILLING? Maybe…for the right person.

That leads me to actually giving someone a chance. Today, I told my sister that she should give this guy a chance. I’ll be the first to admit that he’s said some stupid stuff to her. Nothing BAD…just weird and I’m sure he says it because he’s not sure what else to say. Nerves? Probably. Can I take my own advice though? That’s a tough question, because as soon as a guy says something to me ALL my walls go up. I guarantee there have been a few that I was interested in and I was quick to blow off their advances. It’s a defense mechanism. I minimize what they’re saying to me to avoid what’s REALLY going on. Shortly after the conversation I want to slap myself. I can’t take back what I’ve said though. I am the QUEEN of blowing guys off, that’s for sure.

I’m still trying to work this out in my head. I’m ready to move forward and move beyond the flings I’ve been having. I just need to find a way to stop myself from sabotaging all of my possibilities.

Suggestions?

Just When I Thought…

{ September 23, 2009 @ 12:00 pm } · { Personal, body image, friends, work }
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…things couldn’t get worse…they ALMOST did.

I had a terrible weekend, but I also had an epiphany (I love how that rhymes with my name :) ) This is the definition I’m referring to, for those of you that don’t know exactly what it means:

Epiphany:

a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.

I’m not trying to insult your intelligence. I know for a fact that some people would have to look that word up, even though it seems like nothing to some of us. ;)

Anyway, after Friday night’s incident, I realized that everything that has happened to me has happened for a reason. I always sort of knew that, but I realized that no matter how much RIGHT I try to do, people are still going to do me wrong. Instead of worrying about them, I need to worry about me. I have spent so much of my life worrying about everyone else and I’ve said this a million times. Honestly, I just realized that being “nice” to my “friends” has gotten me no place. I’m always a step behind and I realized that it’s because I’m letting everyone else step on me to get to where they are!

The whole mess with “what’s her face” is what it took for me to realize this. Like my dad says, some people are only meant to be in your life for a season and she was around for a very SHORT season. That girl was placed in my life to make me realize that I don’t have to put up with that shit anymore. She was never my FRIEND and she’s not anyone’s friend which is why she doesn’t have any REAL ones. I’m thankful for being given the opportunity to be in Vegas and I will continue to be thankful for her “hospitality” but I don’t need hand outs bad enough to let A treat me like crap. I am going to pray for her because her low self esteem is the reason she treats people like that. I wish nothing bad upon her. I just hope that she realizes that she’s beautiful (on the outside, at the very least) and has a lot to offer if she does it the right way. Nobody owes you ANYTHING, so stop thinking that they do. That’s not going to make you any REAL friends and it’s not going to get you anywhere either.

ANYWAY…The new week brings a job offer. I’m really excited about this one for some reason. As frustrating as it was…I actually had a lot of fun selling phones in the mall last year. Most of that had to do with my co-workers (mostly Preston because he’s fun and hilarious), but every day was a battle. I was doing the same thing over and over, but it was never exactly the same. New phones come out, new people come in, I get to have crazy people yell at me….and I got to talk to hot guys. LOL I’m not completely dense though. I know that there will be days that I HATE it, but that’s life. I just think that this will lead to some other opportunities. Plus, the money is good and that’s what I need right now. It’s WAY better than what I was making in the mall. :)

My birthday is coming up….just a reminder. I found FABULOUS shoes today and they are CHEAP. Not SUPER cheap, but affordable. I think I might get them tomorrow…even though I probably shouldn’t right now. BUT after the year I’ve had, I just want my birthday to be fun and I want to FEEL great. I’m turning 26….crazy.

The funny thing about getting older – I have become so much more comfortable with my body and just ME in general. I don’t really obsess over stuff like I used to. Don’t get it twisted though, I love clothes and shoes. I just don’t freak out over my body anymore like some girls. I love my skin even if I do hate my stomach sometimes (like this week…stupid Aunt Flo is on her way…I’m sure). LOL It’s such a relief. I remember seeing Delilah freak out over her body and talk about diets. I’m sure I annoyed her, but I was just like, “Yeah right…no diets for me.” I love food entirely too much to be on a diet. It’s those stupid fashion magazines! I KNOW IT! That’s why I don’t read them anymore. I’m not going to let the fashion world or society tell me how MY body should look.

Well…I completely lost my train of though for this entry. I’m chatting with Jessica and we’re talking about the someone. LOL I’m sure I’ll give you all details on that LATER.

Almost There.

{ September 18, 2009 @ 12:59 pm } · { General Information, family, friends }
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More setbacks, but I’m back to blogging…hmmm…

Some of you may be wondering what happened in Vegas and why I’m back in NC. I’m trying to figure it out too. I don’t know. All I know is that everything happens for a reason. I loved it in Vegas, but I guess that’s not where God wants me to be right now. I have no hard feelings towards anyone. I guess I just chose to trust the wrong people and I don’t think that’s a bad thing on my part. Hopefully I’ll know better next time.

On the up side, I have been able to start reconnecting with my family and some old friends. While I was happy in Vegas, I didn’t feel SAFE. Now, I feel safe and I feel like I can be myself and start growing again. I have learned sooooooo much in the last few years, especially in 2009. Whether I like it or not I’ve had to grow up even more than I ever have. I thought things were hard before….geez. LOL

Speaking of old friends…

Do you ever notice that there are people that pop in and out of your life? Or maybe they never really left, you just took a break. I have a few in particular that have a tendency to do that. It’s probably my fault that they “go away” because I am quick to write people off. It’s a flaw for me. I just have a really low tolerance for “friends” that do stuff that is less than friend like. I really try to give 200% for the people that I truly care about. When I don’t get that much in return I walk away.

This came to my attention a few days ago when an old friend said, “We always pick up where we left off.” True. I guess that’s a sign that I never should have stopped talking to them in the first place. Honestly, I have some serious trust issues. I know that. You guys know that. Sometimes it’s easier to run and hide, especially when something or someone seems too good to be true. Kind of like the Vegas situation. I took a leap and ended up getting burned. I lost a friend in that situation and it makes me really sad to know that we won’t ever be able to repair what we had. She refuses to apologize for ANYTHING because she has too much pride (her words, not mine) and I won’t look back because I don’t want to get my feelings hurt again. We’re both stubborn.

As for the other old friends…I’m working on that. I’m trying to mend some things and trying to work on myself at the same time. I just hope those people are willing to work on it with me. :) I just wonder what purpose some of these people are supposed to serve in my life. I mean, some are friends, but we’re not close friends…so I wonder what their “job” is. I also wonder what my “job” is in their universe. Hmmm….

Anyway…

I’m working and bringing in a little bit of cash. I also have some great prospects (jobs). Hopefully they will work out. In the meantime, my parents has let me stay with them and I’m grateful for that. No point in struggling if you don’t have to, right?

My 26th birthday is coming up! I’m nervous and excited. I can’t believe I’m heading for 30!!! AWWW!!! Plans so far:

1. A facial in Cary with my stepmother on my actual birthday (October 7 for those that don’t already know). I’m sure Shamara will want to go too…but she has school. If you guys want to join us, let me know. I’m sure we will have lunch up there too.

2. Dinner with family and friends in Raleigh on October 10. I’m thinking Carrabba’s. Maybe Bahama Breeze. Need to find out if they have a Maggiano’s up there though. Actually, I wanted to go to Charlotte, but I figured Raleigh would make it easier for my family to attend. Of course my Charlotte friends are always welcome to come up here. We have room at the house for a few people to crash.

3. Drinks and hopefully some dancing. I need to figure out what the night life if like in Raleigh. Anybody know? Nothing too fancy, but I don’t want to end up in any places where we will get shot. LOL

That’s about it for now. Nothing amazing, but I know I’ll have a good time.

As for the birthday outfit…I saw this awesome little black dress and I have some shoes I want to wear…if I don’t find better ones. haha 4 inch heels anyone? And yes! I expect you to wear something half way decent if you’re coming with me. :) Of course, if we’re going out afterward, I will be wearing jeans and flats because I plan to have plenty of drinks! You know me. Hopefully my tolerance isn’t lowered from my LACK of drinking in the last month. We’ll see.

Well, that’s about it for now. I’m going to stop writing now. If you read this far, I appreciate you. LOL