I’ve been playing the “what if” game a lot lately. Dangerous game. It all started with a friend saying “What if he’s the one?!?” LOL
I find it odd that we gamble with life and with our feelings. Like the above question. Can’t we say that about ALL of our potential suitors? I (jokingly) said the same thing to my sister about some boy that likes her.
Yeah, I picked a pretty archaic word, suitors. I’ve been thinking about the “dating issue” lately, which is what got me mixed up in all the what if’s. One of my best friends got married this year and I thought, “What if I had married Eric?” My friend gave EHarmony a try over the summer and I thought “What if I met someone on EHarmony?” Another friend found an AMAZING boyfriend and I thought “What if I had an amazing boyfriend? Would I screw it up?”
I have no intentions of getting to answer to my “what if?” about Eric or trying to find a man on eHarmony (no offense to anyone, it’s just not my style). The last question…I think I’m ready to deal with it.
I actually had a conversation with a friend via text and that lead me to think about What if’s as well. The word curiosity came up in the conversation and I wasn’t sure if I should be flattered or insulted. You’re curious about being involved with my body, but not my mind? hmmm… My thought was, “What if that happens and then we can’t be friends anymore?” Let me remind all of you…curiosity (obviously in the same category as What If?) is dangerous. It can cause you to do things that you can’t take back later and it can take your mind to places you may not want it to go. Trouble…that’s all I’m gonna say about that. My mind definitely went there. LOL
It’s been a long time coming, but I’m ready to have a boyfriend again. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had a lot of fun over the last 18 months…probably too much. 
I’ve had the chance to get some stuff out of my system, as well as learn A LOT about who I really am. That is a never ending battle, but I’m honestly ready to test the waters again. While my last relationship was a huge mess, I also learned so much. Am I crazy for wanting to try it again? Probably.
I don’t want to get married, but I’m really discovering what I have to offer and I want to share it with someone else. Being single is fun. A LOT of fun. haha But the more time that passes, I realize that I’m losing all of my friends to their relationships. They have KIDS (I don’t want any of those though) and husbands and wives and serious boyfriends/girlfriends. My Single Girl Pool is getting pretty damn empty.
Here’s the reality of what I’m saying. Boyfriend = having the courtesy to let them know what I’m up to. Am I ready to do that again? Boyfriend = trusting someone else. Am I ready to do THAT again? Boyfriend = letting go of my single girl swag. haha. Can I handle that? Am I WILLING? Maybe…for the right person.
That leads me to actually giving someone a chance. Today, I told my sister that she should give this guy a chance. I’ll be the first to admit that he’s said some stupid stuff to her. Nothing BAD…just weird and I’m sure he says it because he’s not sure what else to say. Nerves? Probably. Can I take my own advice though? That’s a tough question, because as soon as a guy says something to me ALL my walls go up. I guarantee there have been a few that I was interested in and I was quick to blow off their advances. It’s a defense mechanism. I minimize what they’re saying to me to avoid what’s REALLY going on. Shortly after the conversation I want to slap myself. I can’t take back what I’ve said though. I am the QUEEN of blowing guys off, that’s for sure.
I’m still trying to work this out in my head. I’m ready to move forward and move beyond the flings I’ve been having. I just need to find a way to stop myself from sabotaging all of my possibilities.
Suggestions?
Quenton Cummings Said:
on September 28, 2009 at 8:35 am
DAMN GURL. YOU WRITE/TYPE SOME INTERESTING BLOGS. I THINK YOU SHOULD HAVE A COLUMN IN A MAG OR SOMETHING. LOL BUT DONT WORRY HOMIE!! YOU’RE GOING TO FIND SOMEONE WHO IS GONNA BLOW UR MIND. SOMEONE THAT MIGHT EVEN MAKE YOU QUESTION YOUR SELF ON MARRIAGE AND YES EVEN HAVING KIDS. TRUE LOVE CAN MAKE DO A LOT OF THINGS YOU THOUGHT YOU COULDNT OR WOULDNT DO. LETS SEE WHAT IT WELL DO TO MISS TIFFANY. I CANT WAIT TO SAY TOLD YOU SO LOL
desertorchid Said:
on September 28, 2009 at 12:37 pm
Q – I’m pretty sure I seriously THOUGHT I wanted to marry Eric. And I can’t stand kids, but I even considered having kids with him b/c that’s what he wanted.
I didn’t want that. I think Marriage is an institution that can RUIN a relationship. That being said…it works for some people. I just don’t know if I’m one of those people.
I’m not worried and I’m sure you’re right. I just hope that people don’t think I’m LOOKING for someone. I know that it will happen when the time is right. Plus, I won’t let you say “I told you so.” lol
Monica Said:
on September 28, 2009 at 12:19 pm
Obviously, you and I have been on different paths, but I can offer you words of advice based on what I’ve learned in the past year. All things that I picked up in counseling, from friends, or in misc. situations (like my yoga class, haha) that have helped me through the toughest time in my life thus far. Take it or leave it. In the end, it’s all about what works best for YOU anyway.
)
1) Love is never wrong. Anger is never right.
(That’s what I was told, but I think in some situations, a bit of anger can be healthy as long as you keep it in check. Repeating this to myself helps me to keep that anger in check.)
2) The opposite of love is not hate. It’s fear. So ask yourself, am I doing this out of love, or fear? And remember that intuition and fear are not the same thing either. Intuition helps you to love and care for yourself, fear prevents you from loving.
3) Don’t loose your individuality in a relationship. It takes two whole people to be a couple. Two messes only make one bigger mess.
4) When you make decisions, make sure that you make them based on what’s best for YOU in the long term, whether or not there is someone special in your life. If it’s meant to be, then they’ll be there regardless of the decision you make. If it doesn’t work out with them, you won’t have any regrets because you’ll have done the best you could for yourself.
5) It’s much harder to walk through life with eyes closed. So keep your eyes, mind, and heart open.
6) Nobody can give what they don’t have. Just be aware of that fact.
7) You are a part of your family, and your family is a part of you. Learn to recognise the patterns you picked up, whether they are positive, negative, or neutral. (This is a big part in getting to know yourself and forming who you are or want to be.)
desertorchid Said:
on September 28, 2009 at 12:33 pm
Monica….you are soooooooo right about all of that. LOL Especially the family part. I know the “bad habits” I’ve picked up from family members.
I’m just trying to figure out how to deal with that fear. It’s hard to overcome.