If I Hadn’t Made Me…

One of the first things I said to Eric when we started dating was..”Don’t lie to me. It will piss me off and hurt me more than if you just told the truth in the first place. Don’t cheat. Just dump me.”

He spent our entire relationship LYING to me AND he cheated. How can I say something like that upfront and then he did it for FOUR YEARS? I don’t understand that.

There is nothing I hate more than a LIAR. Seriously.

I honestly think there’s a difference between a “white lie” and just lying to save your ass. I’ve told a few white lies in my time. I mean, it’s sort of hypocritical. But me lying to a customer at my job and saying, “Oh yeah that salad is GREAT!” even though I HATE it, isn’t the same as me lying to someone I’m in a relationship with.

I’m angry right now. I think it’s because I wanted to believe all of it….and something told me not to. I went along anyway. GUESS WHAT! My gut instinct was right.

I don’t think everyone deserves a second chance. I don’t. Some people deserve a second chance, but not ALL of them do. How do we determine who those people are? Did Eric deserve a second chance? NO! He got one though and it was a WASTE.

LOL Before I go on. Let me just say that this is not about Eric. He is my example for everything, but this isn’t about him at all. I’m mad at an entirely different person.

That being said, I’ve learned a lot in the last 8 years. I’ve learned that the people that I let close to me are going to hurt me. I’ve learned that while I am a relationship type of girl…most guys aren’t ready for the type of relationship I want to have. I want honesty. I want dedication. I want someone to be real with me. Don’t bullshit me and blow my head up. That isn’t going to help anything. The people I respect the most are the ones that have the balls to say, “Look. You need to chill out.” Like my brother. And my sisters will tell me that too.

So, this person I’m mad at was going to make their way out of my life WEEKS ago. I was ready to delete all the information and move on. But my sister said, “No. Calm down. You don’t even know what REALLY happened.” I listened to her. She’s optimistic about most things and not as JADED as I am. Sometimes, we have to remove ourselves from the situation and look at it from another perspective. I did that and according to the story of “the accused” I was wrong. I felt stupid and moved on from it.

NOW…there’s really no denying that “the accused” is actually “guilty”. I don’t have time to play games and I don’t have the patience. I think the ones that constantly have to remind you that they wouldn’t lie are the liars. Sometimes I think I have a stamp on my forehead that said, “If you lie…come talking to me. I LOVE IT!”

That’s hardly what I’m looking for.

I think what annoys me the most is that I really do try to look for the best in people. With all the flaws I see, I do realize that I have a a lot of my own. I can get passed the fact that I took the time to pursue “higher education” and you did not. I can get passed the fact that I make more money than you do. I can get passed the fact that you were married and have a kid. I took the time to look passed all that. Most young women like myself wouldn’t take the time to do that. They want all of it and I was really trying to “settle” for the the best parts. Or what I thought were the best parts. Turns out that was a load of crap.

I’m not a gold digger. It’s not fair to expect a guy to have more than what I have. And right now I don’t have anything of my own, so what do I look like expecting a guy to have more? It’s not fair and I’m not like that. I have a lot of friends that frowned upon “guilty’s” situation. Honestly, the whole thing is kind of messed up. I don’t need that kind of drama or baggage. Then…I have my own drama and baggage and that was never an issue for “guilty”.

I’m searching for words here and I can’t find them right now.

I can’t find them.

Well, what I will say is that now THE CIRCUS will be a girls only event. I’m looking forward to it. And with “guilty” out of the way I can get my head out of the clouds and focus on my situation ONLY. I don’t need to worry about someone that doesn’t care enough to tell me the damn truth. I’ve been saying that for years now. I just hope that it will become more apparent next time around. I don’t have the energy anymore. I don’t have the energy to stay so guarded, but I also don’t have the energy to deal with hurt feelings.

drained. tired. exhausted. I’m done.

I said I would post something that isn’t so blah blah blah. I have arrived!

Well, this morning I woke up to an email on the blackberry from the woman that interviewed me on Tuesday for a position at the the counseling center. She offered me a job! I will be a Psychosocial Rehabilitation Specialist!
I will mostly work with children, but the center does work with some adults as well.

I know what you’re thinking…”You don’t even like kids, Tiffany!” You’re right. But I think there’s a difference between a child with RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) and a little brat with parents that don’t care to discipline them. Get it?

Besides that I’m blessed to have some amazing people in my life right now. They are supportive and giving. It’s really what I need and I’m happy that I removed myself from the situation I was in before. The last few years have been hard, but things are really starting to look up for a change. I’m excited for what might happen next.

I have THE CIRCUS to look forward to next month, so that’s cool. It will be fun to have some drinks with Jess, Lily, and Delilah before running off to see “The Legendary Ms. Britney Spears.” Too bad we have to do it in El Paso, but it will be AWESOME either way. Britney had better not disappoint us! That being said, here’s that video AGAIN! A remix of Break The Ice featuring clips that span her career SO FAR. Thanks again to Sean for showing us this. LOL I get chills every time!

Anyway, what else….Today is my last day of training at Carrabba’s and I have to leave for work in a few minutes. I met Flava Flav yesterday. He was pretty nice and was wearing a damn clock around his neck. But at least he stays true to his style. For real.

Uhm….that’s the bulk of it for now. I’d elaborate, but I have to RUN.

Oh and good job to Oprah for rejecting Chris Brown’s interview request. He’s a douchebag that needs serious therapy instead of trying to resuscitate his career via Oprah’s most female audience. I see right through that shit and I’m happy Ms. Winfrey did too.

K. Bye!

The weekend isn’t long enough. Especially when you have to work for half of it. And when you sleep the other half. LOL

I went out with Nicholas and John on Friday and stayed out WAY too late. Someone please remind me not to drink liquor when I’m just going to be sitting in bars. I felt like I was going to throw up afterward. I didn’t, but I was SUPER dizzy. GROSS!

We did see a girl fall while we were walking. It was FUNNY…I think the best part was that her friend actually stood there to point and laugh instead of help her up. WOW! Time to find new friends. haha

I slept most of the day on Saturday and we went to my grandma’s house. She’s doing OK for the most part.  It’s just weird to see her not eating very much and feelings bad all the time.

Shamara got to watch Waiting To Exhale today. NO FAIR!  I wanted to watch it first. 

Hmmm…Question.  Have you guys every done something that makes you SHUDDER at the thought…but you keep doing it?  You know that feeling you get when you think about what you did and you get that chill and you wanna shake the bad feeling away, but it won’t go? BLAH! I’ve been feeling like that for a while now.  But I can’t help it! lol I don’t know.  I’m sure I will stop eventually.  Maybe….

Besides that…I don’t really have anything to say.  I just wanted to pass some time since my text buddy stopped texting back.

So…after yesterday’s post I got some text messages, as usual……

It’s not always about YOU.  I guess it’s my fault for being vague, but if I got on here and said it all straight out and used names you would be mad.  Hmmm….  I’ll have to work on that.  For now I think I may have straightened most of that out.  We’ll see how many people stay mad. 

Should I be more honest and call people out?  Should I refer to my worries by name?  Should I refer to the people I’m mad at by name?  I doubt that.  Although it would keep people from texting me.  I blogged about my old roommate and called her out and she didn’t like that very much although she always said she thinks I should just come out and say it.  I kept telling her and she wouldn’t listen, but she got pissed off when I called her ass out on the internet. lol  I don’t know…..

Anyway, Brooke will be here next week and I’m SUPER excited. We’re gonna party party party.  YEAH! Charlotte/Brooke&Tiffany STYLE! If we can find a place to go….I’ll have to work on that.  I’m definitely going to her house to eat though. LOL Her parents are awesome and treat me better than my mom does.  I think they like mixed children.  My parents obviously don’t.

My brother left today and I’m sad.  He’s kinda like my other half and I can talk shit to him and he can take it. Plus, we laugh at the same stuff. God! GIVE MY LITTLE BROTHER BACK!

The Ex keeps texting me about random stuff and I’m not sure how I feel about that.

Oh and am I the only person that thinks ITunes SUCKS ASS?! Damn…I hate that I have to use it with my IPOD.  Do I have any other options?

I had pancakes for dinner. And then I had rice.

I need to study…anybody want to come with me to Starbucks and quiz me?  I’ll pay!!!!!  But only for the first drink after that you’re on your own.

Hmmm…what else is random?

Oh I was downloading music today while my mom was watching Celebrity Apprentice and I ended up with some Brian McKnight.  I had forgotten about him….lol

It’s too hot here.  I want SPRING.  You can’t just SKIP Spring and go to Summer.

Who wants to take a trip to the beach?

Ok…I’m done being random.  I’ve been writing this for like 4 hours now…just adding random stuff to it.

I had an interview today at Echostar/DishNetwork or whatever you wanna call it. LOL  It was for a sales supervisor position.  Honestly, I could not remember what position I had applied for, so it was a little bit of a surprise.  AND it was a group interview! BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Actually, I only had the interview with one other guy and he was pretty nice.  He was also alot older than me.  So, it kinda sucked.  Plus, he got the easy questions! I was like, “I could have answered that!”  Then the guy asked me all these hard questions.  And during one of them I got nervous and completely lost my train of thought and could not think of the word I was looking for. Boo! for me.

Obviously, it did not go as well as I wanted it to.  But I think I was lucky to even get the interview.  It went OK, but I would have rather had an EXCELLENT interview.  Maybe I will get a call back for a 2nd interview so that I can redeem myself.

Wish me luck!  Hopefully I will hear something soon.  I have my fingers crossed.

By the way…I’m watching that show Split Ends and it’s sooooooooooooo funny.  These ladies switched salons and one of them really only does men’s hair, and she’s getting her ass kicked working with women’s hair.  HOW SAD! But it’s super hilarious.

Oh and this lady just got her hair done and paid with EGGS! wowowowowowowowow.  Oh how I have missed having cable. LOL

So, I was browsing the New York Times and I came across this article about Choi Hyun-mi. Her family fled North Korea for a new/better life and they ran into some obstacles (like prejudice….booo). They now live in the south, but her father was unable to find work. But she won the World Boxing Association’s women’s featherweight championship. How cool is that? Being a successful boxer she can help her family financially.

She said she boxed for her family, for fame and for her figure. “Boxing makes you curvy,” she said, striking a pose with a giggle. “I want to be a pretty girl who does pretty boxing.”

She added: “But in this sport, you do take some punches.”

You may think I’m crazy for thinking this is amazing. She’s only 17! Of course, I do not like how this story was written. Why does she have to giggle? Blah.  And alot of it was about her father.  BUT I am happy that they thought this was worth reporting. Read the article. It’s pretty cool if you think about it. She makes like $7000 per fight. And she’s using her new found fame to help take care of her family. At the same time she enjoys what she is doing. I also love that she is happy about being curvy! HOORAY!

Anyway, that is all for now.